Final Fanfiction VII: The Mockening
by guardiancraic
Summary: Unseen forces rewrite the laws of reality from the outside. Heroes seem mindcontrolled by malevolent forces; villains, helpless in the face of a new evil. Love is corrupted, dreams deferred, and Rufus is a high school principal. This...is the Fanfic Zone
1. Against Our Will

_Parody and Alcohol: Two Great Tastes That Go Great Together!_

_Every chapter in this parody series will have a custom-made drinking game to enhance your enjoyment of the story, and encourage you to make new friends. Take a drink every time you see one of the following clichés:_

_ -Sephiroth has a dramatic inner monologue._

_ -The author describes Aerith's outfit (take an extra sip if the description mentions her nipples)._

_ -The story mentions Sephiroth being inside Aerith._

_ -Someone reminds us that Cloud is dead (extra sip if Sephiroth calls him "puppet")._

_ -The author misspells "find" as "fine."_

_ -You have no idea what is going on._

_(Caution: Do not attempt with hard liquor; you will get very drunk. Your authors are not responsible for alcohol poisoning or regrettable one-night stands.)_

* * *

_AGAINST FATE: Parody v2.5_

_Commentary by Guardian Kiune and CraicRocker_

_We begin in a dark theater with nine people shuffling into their seats amidst much swearing, collision, and stubbed toes. _

**Barret**: Ow! Damn it Cloud, your hair nearly blinded me!

**Aerith**: Would you guys shut up? I want to watch my new story…fanfiction…that we're somehow watching like a movie… I don't know how this works, just sit down and shut up.

**Sephiroth**: Apparently it's some kind of new-fangled neo-Shinra torture device that even the Turks found unethical.

**Vincent**: This must be my final penance...the most agonizing torture devised by man or fangirl...this is the ultimate battle for our world. This is the darkness from which we may never return.

**Yuffie**: Well, then it's the end of the world as we know it. Everyone pair off for a good ol' pre apocalypse romp!

**RedXIII**: Some of us have already done that.

**Tifa**: (blushes) Meteor was coming and we were heading toward almost certain death at the bottom of a cave! I just didn't want to die a virgin and Cloud was the only one who didn't have family to say goodbye to!

**Cloud**: Don't try to make it sound like a pity-fuck, you were just as-

**Cid**: Stop squabbling, kids, I got the whole thing on tape, we can watch it later.

**Tifa and Cloud**: WHAT?

_Credits roll…_

AGAINST FATE

By, Ambrosia Goddess

…

Darkness all around him, but he enjoy being in a place without light. His long silver hair flowing down his back and shoulder like a gorgeous waterfall. His mako green eyes shimmering in the darkness around him but within them, they carry out a deadly threat. He wore the same black clothes and long trench coat as before.

However, there was something very different about him. His whole life had been only misery and anguish…

**Yuffie**: So he went to go angst in a coffin forever and ever, the end.

**Vincent**: Stay the hell out of my coffin.

…now he will make all the disgusting people of this planet pay for what they done. Pay for every single thing they done to him in the pass, they cannot stop him now. Sephiroth looked down at his black gloved hands and sneer.

**Tifa**: Trying to look at his own sneer made him cross-eyed.

What one man could not do… he did… single handedly;

**Cid**: I think most guys can do that single handedly… 'cept me of course, I need both hands.

Sephiroth executed thousands among thousands of useless humans. Not even an ocean of blood can measured up to how many people he killed. He was proud of himself and so was his mother, Jenova. Oh, and about Jenova… his mother… he grinned to himself. He "accidentally" burned what was left of her head.

**Sephiroth**: That incinerator was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Ever since Sephiroth expel his dearest mother out of his head… he realize what he was doing was utterly wrong. However, it was the pass and if he could, he will not erase it. Mother… She should have never trusted him…

**Cid**: She sort of had no choice, she was pretty much a head in a box…

**Yuffie**: I could make a really bad pun about giving head right now. (giggles immaturely)

**Sephiroth**: Hey! That's Mother you're talking about.

**Vincent**: Says the man who keeps his mother's head in a box.

**Narrator**: (clears throat) May I continue?

**Tifa**: What if there were a mix-up at Junon airport, and someone took your mom's head with them to, like, Icicle Town, and…

**Narrator**: (clears throat very loudly)

**Tifa**: (sulks) Oh, fine.

**Narrator**: Thank you. As I was saying:

She should have never trusted him…since he became ruler of the entire world, he had no use of her. He banishing Jenova out of his mind and out of his life, Sephiroth never carried about her feelings.

**Cid**: Just her head.

**RedXIII**:So, when you say you realized that what you did was wrong, you don't mean _morally _wrong, just strategically - you'd just rather enslave the populace than annihilate them?

**Sephiroth**: It just seemed more practical to me.

He shook that thought aside and started thinking about puppet's little group that try to stand in his way.

"I wonder what those fools are doing." He said with his ignorant smirk that he usually wears. He started feeling his smooth luxurious hair with his gloved hand.

**Sephiroth**: It is very difficult to feel my smooth luxurious hair with this glove on.

He knew damn well that AVALANCHE was sitting in one of his dungeon like a bunch of jackasses.

**Aerith**: What jackasses would normally do sitting around in a dungeon.

**RedXIII**: Why would one keep their jackasses in a dungeon, I thought equines were normally kept in barns. I'll never understand you bipeds.

All but one of the members was not with them, and that was the Cetra named Aerith. He laughed sinfully…

**Cloud**: He normally laughs like a nun.

…what could a little flower girl do to him?

**Aerith**: Sephiroth are you allergic to pollen?

**Sephiroth**: No, I don't think so…

**Aerith**: I suppose I'll just have to beat you to death with a giant sunflower.

The Great General Sephiroth, handsome and always one-step ahead of the game. The whole group could not even stop him from becoming a god, his plan was completed. He wounded the Planet with Meteor and absorbed the entire life stream sent to heal the damage that he cause.

**Vincent**: Can we read that story instead?

He recalled how Barret and that feline…

**Cloud**: Feline? We sent Cait Sith? No wonder it all went to shit!

**Tifa**: I think that was supposed be referring to RedXIII.

**RedXIII**: I am not a feline.

**Cid**: Then what the hell are you?

**RedXIII**: …I don't know, but I am terribly lonely.

…try to protect the planet the best they could. Those fools were even able to break Meteor, because of this some large rock came crushing down. However, their effort was futile, Meteor came and devastating the planet, killing them as well.

**Barret**: Yeah, yeah, I see what's going on, kill off the black guy first.

Sephiroth snarl with pleasure recalling the colossal Meteor pounding down on them.

**Tifa**: That snarl was somewhat like the sound Vincent makes when picking some new gun accessory – you know he likes what he sees but you have to wonder just _how much_ he likes it.

**Yuffie**: And just what his intentions towards that poor gun barrel were.

**Vincent**: I am not sure what you are insinuating, but I assure you, my relationship with my guns is perfectly consensual.

They were lucky for the quick death, because if Sephiroth had a hole of them they would have been torture in the sickest way imaginable.

**Red XIII**: Um…what?

**Barret**: Don't ask, I'd really rather not know.

However, he wanted her dead, his hate for her was almost equal to the hate he felt for Cloud. She was to pure hearted that it was madness. Sephiroth's eye widen as he recalled how he killed his long time enemy.

**Sephiroth**: (Attempts to widen only one eye)

**Vincent**: Don't make that face, it'll get stuck that way.

**Yuffie**: I think he'd look sexy in a jaunty eyepatch.

If it wasn't for Cloud himself pushing her out of the way, she would have been dead by now. No matter, the puppet was dead, Sephiroth remembers all the detail. As he was falling from the sky aiming at the little flower girl… however, he killed the puppet name Cloud.

**Sephiroth**: Whoops, I broke the puppet…(sigh) Mother always told me to be more careful with my toys.

Sephiroth twisted the Masamune into him causing even more pain to his almost lifeless body. He did not stop there… Sephiroth started cutting and hacking at his motionless remains. Repeatedly he slash until you could not even make out the face of the victim.

**Cid**: This is what we call overkill.

**Aerith**: This is what we call psychotic!

**Cloud**: My face! My beautiful… err, I mean handsome face! (Runs away crying)

**Tifa**: You shouldn't have done that; you know his looks were really all he had going for him.

It pleased him to cause something that he hated with passion to die by his hands. He saw the tears in the Ancient's eyes, also in the woman name Tifa. The remanding members of Cloud's group looked in complete horror.

Sephiroth burst out laughing at his job well done, has soon has his laugh started, it violently ended.

**Barret**: In a fit of weed-induced coughing

**Sephiroth**: Yeah, I hadn't had herb that good since Genesis was around. Or didn't you ever wonder why he never got tired of reading Loveless?

He looked that his surrounding, loving the fact that he took over Shinra mansion when he finish off the owner. He turn the lovely mansion into a place that belong somewhere in hell, the main colors was a blood red and black.

**Vincent**: That bastard stole my color scheme.

Standing up he made his way to look out of a large balcony that was connected to his master bedroom. Sephiroth feeling high…

**Barret**: Told you.

and self-important now has an army beside him, to do as he pleases. He no longer took orders from no one, he was above the rank of General. Looking down at his gigantic…

**Yuffie**: Tehehe…

…army, he smirked. Abruptly his mood changed from content to raging mad. He slammed him hands on the railing making a large dent in it.

**Sephiroth**: I REALLY HATE THIS RAILING!

"I WANT HER DEAD OR ALIVE!" Sephiro

th shouted slamming his hands on the rail breaking it in half. This cause his army to fear him, as they should.

**Cloud**: They trembled before the force of his hissy fit!

However, they knew damn well, whom he was talking about… It was that Cetra, Aerith, member of AVALANCHE. Does he want to finally finish her off as well?

"3 MILLION GIL TO THE PERSON WHO BRING ME HER HEAD! 6 MILLION TO THE PERSON WHO BRING HER BACK ALIVE!"

**Sephiroth**: AND 1 MILLION FOR A BLOWJOB… WHY CAN'T I STOP SHOUTING? ANSWER ME DAMN IT!

The entire army gasp, 6 MILLION GIL? However, only 3 million to kill her?

**Barret**: And only a mil for a blowjob?

That does not make any sense… unless he really wants her alive but not saying it. 6 million gil was a god's blessing, especially at this day and age where food and gil is hard to come across. Without even hesitating, his SOLDIERs rapidly started to give…

**Cid**: …Sephiroth blowjobs.

…out the news of the reward if they fine the Ancient, Aerith…

**Aerith**: Strangely enough, Sephiroth's empire is very draconian about parking fines.

The hunt for the Cetra now began… please of what he saw Sephiroth growled and made his way to the dungeon to talk to puppets little friends…

**Cid**: Sephiroth's sock puppet has friends?

**Yuffie**: That's either really cute or really creepy.

SOLDIERs ran pass the dark cave like dungeon in a hurry. Two of them stop right next to AVALANCHE'S cell and started talking…

"WOW! 6 million gil, I cannot believe this is happening… I can feed my family without any trouble for that amount of money." One of the SOLDIERs said, out of breath from running to hard. Leaning on the walls of the dungeon looking at his partner.

"Yes I know, this girl must he important to him, either that or she gone and pissed him off. Whatever, the circumstances is I'm glad I'm…

**Tifa**: Not parked illegally.

…not in her shoes, that poor soul. She fucked with the wrong lunatic and now this Aerith Gansborough girl is going to be punished." Before the AVALANCHE could say anything, the SOLDIERs that were near the cell ran, almost certainly to get the reward money for Aerith's capture.

**Yuffie**: Don't you just love it when they describe important plot details right next to where you're hiding?

**Tifa**: I knew it would pay off to hang that sign, "Practice Monologues Here."

Tifa's heart felt like it just stopped but she was not alone on that feeling. Vincent, Cid and Yuffie looked alarm. All four of the members put their hands on their chest.

**All**: I pledge allegiance, to the flag…

Heart pounding and eyes wide, telling themselves this cannot be real. A mad man trapped them all in a dungeon and poor Aerith is going to be hunted down like a dog.

**Yuffie**: Kinky.

Tifa could not take it any longer, she through her head back and started sobbing. Cloud was no longer among the living… her dear Cloud…the only regret she had was not telling him how she felt.

**Tifa**: Feelings my ass, the guy owed me 500 gil!

The only thing she wanted to do was hold him and for him to return the feelings she felt.

Why? Her mind shriek at her…

**Tifa**: Ow, my ears!

…why didn't he let Aerith die? Tifa took hold of soil that made up the cell's floor. If only Aerith would of die… if… if… she bite her bottom lip at what she just was thinking about. Tears started rolling down her beautiful face, her chocolate colored eyes shinning with pure horror. How could she be…

**Aerith**: Stupid enough to loan Cloud money.

…so self-centered, to the point of wishing her best friend to die in replace of the one she loved? That thought alone made her feel no better then Sephiroth himself. The others looked at Tifa in awe; they knew what was racing in her head.

**Vincent**: I'm psychic? ...Cool.

**Barret**: I pity the fool who doesn't call Barret's Psychic Hotline!

The whole scene of Cloud dying, and the others, was indeed tremendous. No one wanted to talk and 9 minutes passed until Vincent broke the silence.

**Cid**: By farting…

**Vincent**: Shut-up Cid! You always blame me… besides that was Chaos.

"We need to get a hold of Aerith and tell her the news… knowing her, she probably trying to free us." Vincent said looking at the ground to scare to show the others emotions that he felt. Emotions that are meant for Cloud and the others that die.

**Tifa**: Wait, you have emotions?

**Vincent**: Yes, but I apparently manage to scare them all away by looking at the floor.

"Yes… you're right…" Yuffie said pulling out a device that was use to stay in touch with the group.

**Cid**: You've had a phone this whole fucking time we've been locked in this goddamn cell?

**Tifa**: You didn't think we might want to use that to call for help, report our capture, warn people about Sephiroth's zero-tolerance parking policies...?

**Yuffie**: (sheepishly) I didn't want to use all my minutes.

"Hopefully she will answers… Aerith is our only hope now…"

**Sephiroth**: Help them Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're their only hope.

Yuffie said tearfully. Cid just snored and started to smoke his cigarette.

**Yuffie**: So…he's smoking in his sleep?

**Cid**: I'm just talented like that. Took years to perfect…and stop snorting lit cigarettes…

Just when Cid was finally started to like Barret as a friend…

**Cid**: As a friend! Just as a friend!

…he was gone and so was Red.

**Sephiroth**: Whom he didn't consider a friend so to hell with him.

It was a hard day as always… Aerith was at her job trying to earn some money. Slowly sliding down a metal pole...

**Aerith**: I'm a fireman!

... she licked it and receive yells of pleasure from the male crowd.

**Aerith**: ...Oh.

She was a shame of her job…

**Vincent**: Not only ashamed, but a shame… the incarnation of shame.

…but in order to make a living these days it has to be done. Selling flowers in the street cannot pay the bills among bills that needed to be paid to live in her very small house. Aerith was wearing gold stars around her nipples…

**Yuffie**: The club was full of kindergarten teachers that night who thought her performance was very "special."

…an a G-string, and nothing more. She had to over come her shyness in order to be a "dancer." The gil was good… and it took time to get used to it. Her reddish-drown hair fell down her back and shoulders, out of the annoying braid.

**Aerith**: I think it's a lot more annoying now that it's trying to drown me.

She bit her bottom lips that were the color of ruddy red lipstick and she wore gold eye shadow to match her stars. Aerith was the best dancer that Sol De La Luna had.

**Red XII**I: "Sun of the Moon"? Sun of the Moon? What freakish cosmological phenomenon is this? (sigh) Grandfather would have a fit.

Men flock to get a glimpse of her angelic face . She was a rare beauty indeed. Her round breasts jiggle when she made swift movement. Her curvy tan ass that men were so tempted to bite was flawless. Aerith's green eyes a long side with her reddish-brown hair looked exotic. More then half of the men in the crowd had an erection.

**Tifa**: The rest were waiting for the male strippers.

She could not help it and blushed when they started drooling when she licked her finger as if it was the best ice cream she ever had.

**Aerith**: Mmmmm…. meee.

When her number was finally finished, she went back stage to talk to her friends. Aerith took a deep breath and a sigh of relief; she didn't like to be the center of attention.

"Wow Aerith! That was some great dancing out there! You should teach me how to dance like that… how much money did you make from that one performance? 159 gil… 250 gil?"

Aerith could not help it and started blushing. She told her friend Tina that she made 358 gil just from that one dance number… that amount of money broke her record that was set at 250. Tina just gasp at what she heard. Aerith just made 358 extra gil plus the normal salary which is 13 gil and hour.

**Barret**: Wait… by gil standards, isn't that pay actually really shitty?

**Aerith**: What am I, a dancer in Sector 6?

After she was done talking to her friend, Aerith made her way to the locker room to get her stuff and go home. Tomorrow was going to be a long day, she needed to free her friends out of Sephiroth's hold.

**Aerith**: I have to free my friends, I have to take my thongs to the dry cleaners, I've got to polish my staff... not like that...I have to collect my protection money from the underground chocobo breeders down the street... It's a good thing days are apparently endless.

Before she could react the mechanism that connected her to her friend started beeping.

**Cid**: On my planet we call them "phones."

She quickly started to search for it in her black bag that she carried around.

"Hello? Who is it?" Aerith sound out of breath as if she had been running for miles.

"It's me Y- ffie"… the signal was dreadful but she was able to make out the name Yuffie.

"Yuffie? Are you ok? Are the others ok too? Please answer me Yuffie." Aerith heart was throbbing with relief and horror.

**Yuffie**: Fuckin' Verizon! No dead zones my ass!

"Ae-Aerith… w-we are fine as of yet… but your in danger, Aerith!" Yuffie said before getting the machine stolen from her. "Aerith… this is me Tifa… run! Hide somewhere you cannot be seen in public. Sephiro-…." Before Tifa could tell her what was going on, the signal was broken. Leaving both Aerith and Tifa astonished and speechless.

Aerith body started to quiver…

**Aerith**: Damn, that warning of impending doom was a real turn-on.

…the only question she can ask herself was what's going on and she did not have an answer for that. She got dress quickly, wearing a pink white beater and pink shorts that can barely cover her ass. Remembering what Tifa said about not being able to be seen in public, she rapidly wrapped a black scarf around her hair and covered her eyes with sunglasses.

**Tifa**: A pink beater, tiny pink shorts, a black scarf and sunglasses. No, that's not at all conspicuous.

**Aerith**: Is there a reason I have to look like a prostitute off stage as well?

Leaving Sol De La Luna, Aerith notice something that almost halt her heart. In big bold letter there was an flyer that pronounce something that was unreal…

**Cloud**: Alien squids abduct Bigfoot! Loch Ness monster left to raise lovechild alone!

Aerith Gainsborough wanted

Height: around 5 ft to 5'6

Hair color: reddish-brown

Eye color: Green

Appear to be around her 20's

Reward: 3 million gil for her death, 6 million for her capture alive

For more details please contact Shinra mansion.

**Yuffie**: No purchase necessary, some restrictions may apply, act now and receive a free 1/35 Soldier doll!

Aerith just stood there reading the flyer over and over again… until at last, the letters kicked into her head. WANTED… ME?

**Vincent**: That is usually what a 'wanted' poster with your name on it means, yes.

This has to be the work of one man… and he goes by the name of Sephiroth.

**Cid**: Except at night, when he goes by the name of Doctor Love.

Therefore, this is what Tifa was trying to inform me about… the mad man is finally out to kill me. The scene of Cloud and the others dying rush to her head, and she could not help but wonder if that's going to happen to her… Aerith coming back to realty…

**Aerith**: Well, real estate does pay better than "dancing."

…told herself that she has to be strong for her friends. She was going to the mansion to release them.

**Aerith**: Then sell the mansion as a cozy fixer-upper.

She knew this plan of her could be deadly and fatal

**Tifa**: Deadly AND fatal, that's one hell of a plan!

**Aerith**: Yes, there's a chance I may die to death.

…but she must do it… for her love ones and those who die in vain. I have to out smart him, she told herself, that is the only way. I can not bet him with physical strength alone.

Sephiroth walked silently to the prison he trapped puppet's friends in. However, his thought were on someone else.

**Cloud**: Reeve.

**Barret**: Dio.

**Yuffie**: The Chocobo Sage.

**Cid**: Heidegger.

Ever since he saw Aerith he couldn't get her out of his head. Her innocent face still fresh in his mind…

**Tifa**: Ziploc mind storage – for all your face-preserving needs!

…and the way she smiled at Cloud almost lovingly. How dare she smile at him so! Sephiroth thought heatedly…

**Cid**: Jesus, even in his inner monologue he sounds like a pretentious asshole.

… she should only smile at him that way… what the fuck am I thinking? I want to kill her not touch her smooth lips… or make her shiver under me. ::sigh:: it's been a while since I had a woman to entertain me. Grinning to himself Sephiroth going to throw a "party" and have some arousing women to show up. Being ruler does have it's fun points.

**Sephiroth**: Beer keg, check…funny hats, check…arousing women, check…

Sephiroth standing just outside of AVALANCHE's cell he saw something in Tifa's hand. "Well what do we have here?" He sounded to much as the devil himself.

**Red XIII**: No, no, no…simile OR metaphor, you must pick one.

Tifa only looked at him with her mouth open.

"It's nothing!" She said almost to cowardly and kicked herself for it. She conceal the object from his view by placing it to her back.

**Cloud**: Ready for that million-gil blowjob.

**Tifa**: Like you'd get out of the way long enough.

Looking at his eyes, she saw her beloved Cloud die. How his blood spilled out of his mouth as he try to escape Sephiroth's hacking at his almost dead body.

**Aerith**: A little known fact about Sephiroth is that his head is a television set, allowing him to play disturbing films to traumatize his victims. The VCR is in his nose.

**Cid**: (looks thoughtfully at Sephiroth, then whips out the "Cloud and Tifa Sex Tape" and proceeds to attack Sephiroth's nose with it)

**Sephiroth**: Ow! Ow! Ow! AAAAAAAAHHH! Help!

Sephiroth stood only gazing at the younger woman, he knew what was racing in her mind. "So you think if you can get in touch with the Ancient that you can warn her in time?" He said growling in distaste. "I will slaughter her, In front of you and the others, just like I did to Cloud!" The look in his face was pure madness, for a man that did not show emotions, he was now. "And if you think that I'm simple minded like your leader to think that the Cetra won't try to save you… you have another thing coming."

**All**: (singing) He had it comin'! He had it comin'! He had it comin' allll alooooong!

Tifa let tears fall at the remark of Cloud's death… oh how it hurts her mentality. Her bottom lip started to tremble along with her whole body. The others just watch, they wanted to say something but didn't know how the lunatic might act. Vincent looked on, his red eyes locked on Sephiroth and every move he made.

**Vincent**: Every step you take…every vow you break…I'll be watching you.

Cid just keep smoking his cigarette, eyes wide and gazing, thinking about how someone could lose their mind like this.

**Yuffie**: You'll know soon enough, Cid. It's only a matter of time before you run out of cigarettes in our little cell.

**Cid**: (talking to his cigarettes and cuddling them) You'll never leave me my babies.

**Vincent**: Even though I routinely light your heads on fire and suck your life force out of you for my own pleasure.

He knows now… Tifa thought… knows that Aerith is going to try to save them. Yuffie looked on, she lost all hope of being saved. However, Vincent and Cid told themselves that Aerith will make it through all this, they still have hope.

**Cloud**: They're holding out for a hero 'til the end of the night.

**Aerith**: I've gotta be strong, and I've gotta be fast, and I've gotta be fresh from the fight.

In a blink of an eye Sephiroth, hastily left the cave like dungeon.

He made his way to his master bedroom and found Kilo…

**Cid**: His pet cocaine stash.

…an old man around his 60's. He wasn't bright, but he wasn't completely useless.

**Barret**: I never heard that euphemism for coke before.

Sephiroth made himself a Bloody Mary, he loves having a bar next to his bed.

**Yuffie**: What a lush.

Slowly he sat down near the fire place, looking at the flames he couldn't help but think about Nibelheim.

**Tifa**: The town right outside his front door.

**Cloud**: Which was back to normal despite the fact that he burned it to ashes a few years ago.

Sephiroth made a fist to rested his chin on it, he was lost to the world around him. Until a cough from Kilo snapped him out of his dream world.

"My lord, what is it that you wish me to do." Kilo said terrified of his new Master. It was a nightmare when Sephiroth came and killed off half of the people that worked in the mansion. Gods… why did this man show him mercy?

**Cid**: Why did Sephiroth have to show him mercy? He liked it rough and Sephiroth had been disturbingly gentle lately.

**Aerith**: That's a valid question - Sephiroth slaughtered hundreds and was ready to pulverize the planet and all living things, why does he need a butler?

"Kilo… Sephiroth said with his emotionless voice… I want to be entertain, you know what to do."

**Cid**: (as Kilo) Oh... alright (obediently gets down on his knees in front of Sephiroth).

**Sephiroth**: No, no, not that.

**Cid**: (as Kilo) Oh THAT… (stands up, lowers his trousers and bends over the desk)

**Sephiroth**: No! no! no! I want women this time! Real women, so don't go get the wig either…

**Cid**: (as Kilo) (runs away sobbing) You don't love me anymore!

Sephiroth heard him exit his master bedroom, to do his bidding. Whatever Sephiroth wanted… he surely got.

**Barret**: So that's why you didn't destroy the Planet?

**Sephiroth**: Yeah, I could come up with a monologue about the subjugation of the unworthy usurpers of the Ancients' legacy, but it pretty much came down to sex and booze.

"Gods!" Aerith shriek, if he finds her… he will certainly gut her alive.

**Aerith**: So I think I'll stand out in public and scream, that'll keep attention diverted.

Panic started to show but for a good reason. Ever since Sephiroth made flyers and even TV commercial about her capture the whole town been after her. No where is safe, not even her home. Aerith started to break down crying at the mention of her house, she been robbed. Everything had been stolen from her, and the only money she has was in her black bag.

**Vincent**: If only she had her savings from her "dancing" career, she could have bought...an antidote. Or a phial of eye drops. Maybe a single grenade.

She couldn't just go to the bank and pull out gil, they would know it was her!

::sigh:: 6 million gil was the reward a person would of got for her capture. For that kind of money…

**Sephiroth**: I could buy six blowjobs.

…I turn myself in… Aerith mentality kicked herself…

**Aerith**: Ow! I hate when my multiple personalities go at each other.

**Cloud**: You think that's bad, mine have sex with each other.

**Vincent**: Mine have sex with other people.

…who knows what that man has in store for her. She fear the thought of being abused by him… it wouldn't be pretty. Before she even acknowledge it, she was standing right outside of Shinra mansion.

Aerith had a knot in her stomach just thinking about what Sephiroth did to the owner.

**Barret**: Was Kilo the owner? 'Cause if he was, you really don't want to think about that.

I have to be strong… I have to be strong, she kept repeating that in her head with her eyes closed. Without warning Aerith flat out ran into someone.

Oh by the Gods, Aerith told herself… to scared to look at the person she ran into. Will they be able to know me by my looks? She pushes the sunglasses up and try her best to hide her voice. "Oh sorry there…." Aerith said trying not to make eye contact even with the sunglasses on.

"You!" Kilo holler, stooping one of his foot to the ground.

**Red XIII**: Umm…what?

**Sephiroth**: I don't believe you should be doing that in public…wait, what precisely are you doing? Fetch my arousing women, you can Riverdance later!

She only stood there motionless… he knows? "You young lady will not kept lord Sephiroth waiting. Don't you know that he has a bad temper. Where are the other dancers? My master really hate to be put off like this, oh well one dancer has to do."

What the… "I'm not a dancer"… Aerith kicked herself mentality…

**Aerith**: Haha, vengeance! And ow.

…yes she was. "I mean do I look the part?" Way to go Aerith… do I really sound that desperate?

**Aerith**: He'll totally ignore the first thing I said.

Kilo looked at Aerith up and down. He saw that she was wearing a pink white beater and shorts that can't even cover her ass. He started laughing his ass off right in front of Aerith… he was laughing?… Aerith was angry.

**Cloud**: He was pumping iron?…. Aerith was swooning.

**Cid**: He was Riverdancing?…Aerith was "entertain".

**Yuffie**: He was juggling geese?

**Aerith**: Aerith was…confused.

"I don't know what game your playing young one, but your playing to lose. Now come my master awaits." With that Kilo open the doors to the mansion… the adventure to save her friends began. Hopefully it does not end any time soon.

**Vincent**: Oh, hopefully it does.

"Now my dear, the "theme" to this little "party" of his is a belly dancer or a genie."

**Red XIII**: He even "bought" little cups and "plates" with Disney's "Aladdin" characters printed on "them."

**Vincent**: How are you doing the little "quote" things when you don't have "fingers"?

Kilo said grinning ear to ear making Aerith have a knot in her stomach... "just a little knot in her stomach one".

**Tifa**: There was a slightly larger knot in her stomach two, but her stomachs three and four were fine.

"Now then… Kilo threw a small box to Aerith who just stood there looking dumfounded. In the box was a black and red gear with gold coins, Aerith couldn't make out what it was for certain but she didn't like it already.

**Sephiroth**: Then a small Italian plumber ran in, stole all the coins and one of Aerith's flowers, then started shooting fireballs at some turtles.

**Barret**: …Pass that joint this way, man.

"I'll be back to fetch you, I'm going to inform my Lord that you're here."

She quickly put on the damn thing…

**Aerith**: Well at least I didn't have to dress up as Princess Jasmine.

…like she cared about what Sephiroth wants her to wear. However, if she gets caught… she could say that she was going to the bathroom… like he would care. I need to find my friends… Aerith started to panic… it would take days to fine them in this place.

**Cid**: They had six cars blocking the fire lane in front of the mansion.

With out thinking about it she stopped and looked into a mirror. Gods… is that really me, Aerith said touching her cheek. Looking into the mirror, she couldn't help but be in a state of shock. She was stunning… unquestionably gorgeous.

**Tifa**: And modest too.

Her breasts round and full in her small black bra that had gold coins around the edge of it. Her sheer pants adorned with coin trims making her appear like a exotic animal waiting to be domesticated.

**Vincent**: Since when do exotic animals wear pants?

**Red XIII**: And since when are they waiting to be domesticated?

Her pants that came to her hips was black but when she moved a certain way they turned red. Then she acknowledge something that made her face flush, her sheer pants are see through!

**Cid**: Sorta by definition, yeah.

**Tifa**: What's the point of even wearing pants at that point?

Her blush face double the redness…

**Cloud**: (concentrating) I will NOT make engrish jokes, I will NOT make engrish jokes!

…when she saw the thong that she was wearing, that was also trimmed with coins. ::sigh:: am I trying to seduce Sephiroth or free my friends?

**Sephiroth**: Oh come now, it really isn't a difficult decision to make.

She quickly put on a veil that cover her nose, hair, and mouth… and a metal belt with dangling coins around her waist. Two gold bangle bracelets with bells on each of her wrist, and lastly slipped on some gold and black high heels.

**Aerith**: (whistles) Damn, I'd do me.

It was time… I have to face my fears, she told herself. She gradually made it to he door and into the darkness of the hallway. It was hard to see her hands that was in front of her face and almost stumble over the rug that was on the floor.

**Cid**: Maybe you could see where you're going if your hands weren't in front of your face.

She walked slowly in the dark hallway, afeard to trip over something. Aerith started feeling the walls in hopes of finding anything that can lead her to Tifa and the others. A doorknob!

**Aerith**: Holy Shiva, a doorknob, I'm saved!

Her mind roared at her to opened it. She made her way inside and shut the door be hide her.

"Well… what have we here." Said a deep flat voice… it was the Diablo himself. Aerith had manage to fine her way into his master bedroom. He didn't even look up to see her, he was gazing at the flames.

**Cloud**: Flames? What flames?

**Sephiroth**: From the fireplace I've apparently been staring at since I got that Bloody Mary from "Kilo the Friendly Coke Stash" a few pages ago.

However, Aerith was starting to hyperventilate… she would of passed out by now but her will won't let her! Sephiroth looked at Aerith through the corner of his eyes, she did the same, not wanting to face him.

Those eyes… could it be… no, the Ancient isn't as simple minded to really come here. Coming here was like begging me to kill her.

**Aerith**: Yes, please kill me, take me out of this god awful fic!

"You must be the dancer"… Sephiroth turned around to face her small body. He was smirking at her! "Well dance, he grinned at her, show me that delicious body of yours."

**Sephiroth**: I hear it's better than the best ice cream you've ever tasted.

Dance? Show my body to him?… gods no! This can't be happening, if he fines out I'm done for! Aerith started looking around for the Masamune, it was no where in sight. That's a good sign… she told herself… but this man can kill me with his bear hands!

**Yuffie**: Who needs the Masamune when you've got bear hands?

Sephiroth stared at her courageously… this dancer was breath taking.

**Cid**: He started to turn blue from oxygen deprivation.

He was beginning to get aroused, captivated by her sheer beauty. His pants where starting to get skintight, his manhood needing to be withdraw.

**Sephiroth**: What am I, a fucking bank account?

**Aerith**: That's okay, apparently I'm a meter maid, trying to fine people all the time.

He needed to see her naked form. "Show me now! I don't like to be kept waiting!" Sephiroth growled in frustration… his dick was hard and he needed to use it.

**Tifa**: It's good for a limited time only.

However Aerith did not make a move, if her veil fell off he would know who she was. Instead she try to open the door to escape from this fallen angel. She reach for the doorknob but she couldn't open the door.

**Aerith**: Every time I put my faith in a doorknob it betrays me!

**Vincent**: Oh, you heartless hardware!

She looked up to see that his hands where on the door making it so that she could not run from this monster. He moved so fast that it wasn't even funny.

**Cloud**: Hahahahaha…nope, you're right, it's not funny.

Sephiroth press his body to her… and placed his hands on each side of her head. Then she started panicking… his erection was stiff.

**Aerith**: But I'm perfectly fine with soft erections.

He was long, hard, and ready for her as his breath started slowing down.

"I don't like to be kept waiting and I don't like to repeat myself!" Sephiroth roar in her ear making her flick.

**Aerith**: Um, what?

He grabbed her veil making her struggle against his touch. "What are you trying to hide," He grind his teeth. Sephiroth again grabbed her veil this time, making it rip to revile her angelic face.

Aerith fell to the floor from his strength…

**Cid**: Wait, did Sephiroth actually use his strength to throw her to the floor, or did she faint at the sight of his massive biceps.

**Sephiroth**: (smirks) Makes them swoon every time!

I fail you my friends…

**Aerith**: No gold stars on my nipples today…

was the only thing racing in her mind. Tears started falling from her beautiful face making it flush, her big lips rosy colored started to shake. "You…" was the only thing Sephiroth said… It's over now, but I won't go down without a fight. "Yes it's me! The woman you made people hunt down… the woman that you made her life a living hell!" Sephiroth stood there shocked be on believe.

**Red XIII**: This grammar is be on my ability to understand.

"I will kill you Cetra…" He said sneering… however, before he can make a move Aerith took a stick like object that was near her to be used as a staff.

**Barret**: …Sephiroth's dick?

"Are you planning to fight me?" He said laughing like it was the most funniest joke ever told. He just stare at her like he knew that she has no chance in hell.

"I might as well… I won't give up without a fight!" Aerith stood strong not backing down from the man in front of her. With speed that you only see light travel in, he was in front of her taking the wooden object from her hand and slamming her back down to the floor.

**Sephiroth**: That's MY dick, damnit!

"Your powerless to stop me Ancient, just stay on the floor like the bitch you are." Sephiroth was rock hard now… how dare she make me wait, I need her body. He came crushing down on Aerith's smaller body pinning her down with his much larger weight. "Beg…" he whisper in her ear. "Beg me to take you… to fuck you with my hard steel cock."

**Cloud**: ….wow.

**Tifa**: Yeah, that sounded kinda hot until the "hard steel cock" remark. Some people just shouldn't talk during sex.

**Cid**: And that's why ball gags were invented.

He was right, Aerith panic… she can feel his manhood… it's width around 4 inches.

**All**: (gaping) Four inches wide?

**Sephiroth**: Double the radius and multiply by pi…by the head of Jenova, it's over a foot around! Aerith, I'm terribly sorry for what's about to happen to you.

**Tifa**: Had the author of this story ever actually seen a penis?

She didn't even have to see it to know that it was colossal. "Beg me to fuck your innocuous away," He grind into her making her moan.

**Vincent**: (paging through the Oxford English Dictionary) Innocuous: not hurtful or injurious; harmless. In Zoology, applies specifically to non-venomous snakes.

"Gods… I rather die then you to take me,"

**Aerith**: But you're welcome to take those non-venomous snakes.

She started began to cry out for someone to help her. Sephiroth coved his hands over her mouth…

**Yuffie**: …Like a pirate?

**Vincent**: I thought it was smugglers who had coves.

"Listen Cetra… if you want your friends to live… he gave her his famous mad man gaze…

**Sephiroth**: Patent pending…

…then you will permit me to do this." The Great General smirked at her when she fell into submission. He began undressing her slow as if to savor his time with her.

"Please… let my friends go… please…" Aerith still can't believe this is happening. She had to sleep with the man that killed her beloved Cloud and her dearest friends.

Sephiroth whisper into Aerith ear making her shake…"I'll let them go if you promise to please me greatly, that means doing everything I tell you to do. Is that clear my little slave." Aerith could only nod, her friends mean the world to her. If he killed one more she surely go mad.

Sephiroth started taking off his armor clothing while still pinning Aerith under him. She stare at him when he got to the belt… the only thing she could do was whimper. "I would surely enjoy this Cetra…

**Cloud**: (as Sephiroth) I would surely enjoy this Cetra… if only I weren't gay.

**Sephiroth**: Heh… you wish!

…you should too… it would only hurt for a second." Sephiroth was completely on top of things…

**Cid**: Including Aerith.

Aerith never been this close to a real man before.

**Sephiroth**: Just Cloud.

The Great General Sephiroth was on top of her, about to rape her. However, all she could think about was if they met a long time ago… could they have fallen in love?

**Tifa**: THAT'S what she's thinking about? Not running away, not screaming, not crushing his balls?

Such ideas was not helping… surely someone one would come to her aid.

Aerith was starting to become hysterical when she felt the tip of Sephiroth's manhood looking to bury itself inside of her. "Please I'm still a virgin… don't you want a person with… well… better experience?"

**Cloud**: (as Sephiroth) You're right! I'll go get Tifa…

**Tifa**: (Hits her limit break and uses Beat Rush on Cloud)

She try to hide her blush however her face turned a deep red. Sephiroth did not stop is actions but he did look deep into her eyes.

"I hate you…" he said keeping his voice cold and emotionless. "Ever since I met you I wanted to take that purity that you hold so precious away from you. I want to taint it… so your soul could become like mine. Now… you will do as I say or your friends will die." Sephiroth knew he was lying when he said those words…

**Sephiroth**: I was going to kill them anyway.

…even since he saw Aerith… he wanted to be with her. Hold her… and feel her silk like body under him. How can a demon like him fall in love with an angel like her… he did not know. Aerith saw the look in his face, she knew he was lying also.

**Cid**: He actually wanted to take Cloud's innocence, but then the whiny little bastard got so annoying, he had to hack him to bits instead.

**Cloud**: (flailing like a two year old) IIII'm noooot whiiiiiny! (sulks)

**Sephiroth**: (raising his Masamune) Watch it, brat!

He looked at her with lust… but not hate as he claims. Nevertheless, She knew that he wasn't lying about him killing off her last surviving friends. Aerith had no choice, either let Sephiroth take her or lose her dearest friends forever.

She didn't even struggle when he pushes his manhood deep inside of her it felt so good and overwhelming. Aerith moan at the thought of being spread out this far… Sephiroth was big indeed and she knew she was going to need time to recover from this.

**Vincent**: Possibly some physical therapy and a blood transfusion.

Look at myself, she said mentally, acting like a total slut. She didn't care right now… by the Gods did this feel so right. All the thoughts of Cloud and saving her friends wasn't important this moment. Until his large erection hit her maidenhead… Sephiroth ran his long fingers in her beautiful hair. She only thought of his touch… until she felt the head pounding pain. With one thrush

**Tifa**: Ewww! Groooss! You were shoving birds up there?

**RedXIII**: I truly hope they sanitized that poor bird first.

**Yuffie**: Tweeeeet! *squish *

he bury his manhood and broke through Aerith's maidenhead. "Gods" was the only thing she could chock out. Tears of agony ran down her charming face. Aerith panted on Sephiroth's shoulder and to her amazement he wanted until she got used to his size.

**Sephiroth**: I didn't know you could do that just by "wanting".

**Cloud**: (singing) When you wish upon a star, makes no difference who you are… unless you're Hitler.

**Vincent**: Or Hojo.

She ran her tiny hands on his back and shoulders… loving and in awe at his bulky muscles. Her hands finally got to it's location… his firm ass. The discomfort of having him inside of her long gone…

**Cid:** Yeah, only 'cause Cockzilla probably broke her spine and left her numb from the waist down.

Aerith try to push him deeper. She loves how his manhood can stretch her to the fullest.

Sephiroth on the other hand was in bliss… never in his life had a women been so tight. His massive manhood need more room! He… the Great General Sephiroth, had to take a breather to keep from slamming into Aerith's close-fitting passage… and from spilling his seeds. He pinned her hands, with one of his arms, over her head trying to gain control back. His lose hair spreading over him like a curtain…

**Red XIII**: His lose hair? Is he shedding?

**Barret**: Goin' bald, bro.

**Random Fangirl**: NOOO! Beautiful Sephiroth!

**Vincent**: (Whips out Cerberus and shoots fangirl)

**Sephiroth**: Thank You.

…feeling Aerith's silk like skin with his free hand until his reached her breast. He sucked greedy on her smooth breast… flicking his tongue on her harden nipple. To Sephiroth's pleasure she moaned when his rough hands, that were toughen by years of being a swordsman, pleased her greatly. Sephiroth grab Aerith by the hip with both of his hands. He no longer needing to pin her down… she wanted this more then him… he started thrusting inside of her like she was nothing more than a rag doll. He still kept Aerith's nipple in his hungry mouth… unwilling to let it go. His nails sinking into the flesh that was on her hip… making it bleed slightly.

**Sephiroth**: (crosses his legs awkwardly)

**Cloud**: Um…I'm gonna go…get some popcorn. Yeah. Popcorn.*

"Oh my God!… It's to much! Your going to break me!" Aerith face was flush… the breast that was not in Sephiroth's mouth began slapping lightly on his cheek. Aerith arch her back into his crashing manhood. "Beg you little whore!" he speeded up his pounding ten fold… Sephiroth bit down on Aerith's nipple rewarding him with a gasp of surprise. "BEG ME NOW!" He yelled and was starting to pant like a wild animal in heat.

Sweat started to form on his back and forehead. Aerith dug her nails into his back trying to hold on for dear life. The General's trusting became so powerful that the king size bed itself started to shake.

**Sephiroth**: Behold the power of my mighty trust!

**Aerith**: When did we move onto the bed?

Near by picture that were on the wall started crashing down to the floor. Yet again Sephiroth bit down on the nipple in his mouth, even harder then before "BEG!"

**Cid**: At this line, fangirls everywhere simultaneously creamed their jeans and obeyed his command. Wish I had that kind of authority (sighs).

Aerith knew what he wanted to hear… by the heavens she didn't want to yell it. However, her climax was near, she'll do anything to get to that point of total bliss. "P-please… General Sephiroth… p-please take me!"

**Aerith**: Why do I sound like Piglet? P-p-p-please, p-p-please explain this.

Her lips shaking from the pleasure he was causing… making her moan.

How dare she? Was this a joke?

**Sephiroth**: Could I be any more indignant?

Sephiroth flipped Aerith over to her stomach with one fast movement.

**Aerith**: Whaaaagh!

He hated to let go of his precious nipple that he was sucking on.

**Barret**: So he was suckin' his own nipple this whole time?

**Vincent**: That's either a very flexible man, or a very long nipple.

**Yuffie**: Ew.

However, he needed to teach the girl a lesson that she'll never forget. "You fucking call that begging…" He said slapping Aerith's ass hard leaving a red mark on it. Sephiroth was fucking her from behind… pulling her lovely reddish brown hair. Slamming her face first into the sheets for the king size bed.

**Sephiroth**: Yes, we've established that it is a king size bed.

She groan into the bed… she was in a position that made her feel like a bitch in heat.

**Red XIII**: I am beginning to feel very uncomfortable with the bestial references in this story.

Sephiroth body was towering Aerith's smaller one "Beg like the whore you are Cetra!" He howl like a demon in ecstasy…

**Cid**: A demon in ecstasy, or a demon on ecstasy?

…sounding like two voice of a different tone yelling at the same time.

**Vincent**: On ecstasy. Definitely. I should know.

**Cloud**: Giving you ecstasy was a terrible idea…I never want to meet a giddy, cuddly Chaos again. Apparently he has a thing for blondes.

Sephiroth kept slamming his large cock inside of her womb, each moaning loudly.

**Yuffie**: Each womb? Each cock? One of each?

With one hand Sephiroth slapped Aerith's ass again…"Call me master… said it!"

**Aerith**: Wait…apparently I already "said it"! Why do I have to say it again?

Her body started quivering at his physical assault, she bit her lips unwilling to beg… but she need to… she needed her climax!

"Sephiroth!… fuck me please… fuck me like the whore I am! Master I beg you to fuck me faster ! Aggggghhhh! Aerith flung her head back as a wave crashing climax ripped though her small body. "I'm coming! I'm coming for your Sephiroth!

**Tifa**: No, I'M coming for YOUR Sephiroth!

Her climax was so strong and so powerful that her vision went black, the sweat on her body rolling down her silk like back. Her whole body was sensitive…

**All** (singing) Ohh no! There goes Gainsborough! Go go Cockzilla!

He didn't stop… Sephiroth lift her left leg up… now that her walls were squeezing his manhood, it's the right time to strike. He hammer away like a insane lustful animal, taking all that he wanted from her body. His right hand grab her hair and held it down where it should be, to the bed sheets.

**Yuffie**: Okay, I've got this Medusa image now, of her hair standing up and moving around…

**Vincent**: Her hair had had enough sex for now, and decided to leave.

"Aeeeerrrith!

**All**: STELLAAAA!

He cried out almost choking.

**Yuffie**: Her hair was trying to strangle him.

Sephiroth's orgasm what stronger then Aerith. He slammed his manhood as deep as it can go… biting down on her neck. Spilling him seeds in her womb, still yelling in the top of his lunges.

**Red XIII**: That sentence just made my brain melt.

The large mansion vibrating from his screams or pure ecstasy.

**Cid**: The mansion is on ecstasy too?

**Vincent**: Yeah….It was a trippy place to sleep for thirty years.

Both lovers collapse to the bed, exhausted from their activities.

Yes Aerith, Sephiroth thought, you will never leave my side…

**Aerith**: But I really have to pee…

Birds singing and the air was fresh with the smell of spring time. The breeze woke Aerith up to look around.

**Cid**: First thing she noticed was that she had wandered into a fabric softener commercial.

First thing she notice was that the balcony door was open and the second that she was alone… where is Sephiroth? Standing up she made her way to her discarded clothes.

Must I wear this again, she thought… not liking the fact that the only thing to wear was the damn genie suit. She kicked herself for not taking her clothes along. "I need to fine my friends!"

**Aerith**: They're still double-parked!

She stopped and thought about something… what if Sephiroth went to kill her love ones… what if he was going to kill her…

"Up I see… It was him the Great General Sephiroth, I let your friends go my dear."

**Red XIII**: Does Miss Manners offer any advice on announcing yourself in the third person?

Tifa: I don't think she usually deals with people who are insane enough to have this problem.

She looked at him… tears in her gorgeous green eyes. "Thank you…"she was able to say that… what could she say to the man that killed her Cloud. "I'll be leaving General… with that Aerith try to walk pass Sephiroth thinking it was time to head out. However, he had something else in mind. He grabbed her wrist and said, "Your not going anywhere girl… I plan to keep you… after all, you do have my child…"

**All**: DUN DUN DUNNNNN!

Your what? … "What did you say?" Aerith appear out of breath as if someone just punched her stomach.

**Cid**: Well, that would solve the problem.

She was trying her best to tug her wrist out of the General's hand. "Sephiroth, lying doesn't become you! I'm taking my leave now, so move aside!" She said boldly holding her head up high. She was no ones whore…

Furious, Sephiroth made Aerith collapse to the floor.

**Barret**: Again, how the hell is he doing that?

"Your mine Cetra, and your not going anywhere! Listen and listen good… I, Sephiroth do not lie. Your having my child, as me speak it's growing inside of you."

**Yuffie**: He IS a pirate!

**Sephiroth**: Yarrr.

How dare she think that I'm lying. Sephiroth's eyes were burning a hole through Aerith. Still on the floor, she turn her head not wanting to look at him. Not wanting to see the truth to his words. Slowly she came to her feet, her grace would of made a queen proud.

**Tifa**: What would Queen Elizabeth do?

"What happens now…" Aerith whisper almost to herself as she stared at the floor, as if it's going to give her an answer.

**Vincent**: (as floor) Pssst! You're going to have sex again. Just spread your legs and think of England.

She knew Sephiroth heard her say those words. what happens now…Will she become Sephiroth's prisoner, or could she escape this monster.

**Yuffie**: Tune in next week – same Seph time, same Seph channel!

This hellish beast that killed her beloved Cloud. It was like a nightmare still playing in her head.

"I don't know, but I have no use of you" Sephiroth said, scanning to see if he hurt her emotionally. "As soon as you give birth to my child I'll have you exterminate…

**Vincent**: …all the damn roaches in this mansion. Man, when I was in that coffin they kept trying to eat me, I can still see their beady eyes, glowing in the darkness…! (curls up in a ball and starts crying)

**Cid**: (pats Vincent soothingly)

**Barret**: Break it up guys, this ain't a Valenwind.

Sephiroth gave her a chuckle…

**Sephiroth**: I bought this chuckle for you, I hope you like it.

"You see, I used you… just like I did Cloud…

**Tifa**: So you DID take his innocence!

**Sephiroth**: Oh no, that was long gone by the time I got to him.

…your just like him, your nothing to me."

Aerith body shook with range.

**Cid**: (sings) Where the deer and the antelope play…

**Barret**: (throws a shoe at Cid) You sing like a fuckin' chocobo. Now give me back my fuckin' shoe!

"How dare you, I won't sit here and be insulted by someone like you Sephiroth! Anyway, you have no evidence that I'm having your baby!"

**Sephiroth**: Ah Ha! Not true! I have here these yellow gender-neutral booties you've been knitting!

"SHUT YOUR MOUTH WHORE!" His tone made Aerith shake… "I know everything, did you forget that I'm all mighty and your just like all of those pathetic humans they all make me sick." Angrily, Sephiroth grab a hold of Aerith's arm. "And you my dear, don't have to worry about your friends nor leaving any time soon. You see, your here to please me!" With that Sephiroth slammed Aerith to a near by desk. She crash to the desk sending everything on it to the floor.

**Vincent**: (as floor) …Ow (brood).

Heart pounding, trying to give her oxygen…

**RedXIII**: Forgetting that her lungs were supposed to do that…

Aerith looked at him like he was mad. "What are you doing?" The look in his eyes was like a predator hurting his prey. The first time she saw this look was last night as he took her with all of his strength. Her body is still sore and not really to have him inside of it. She had to get away… "Please Sephiroth, I beg you not to." Knowing that he would not listen to her, Aerith madly try to dash out the door. However, when she felt a strong grip around her arm, her heart halted and she stopped moving.

**Cid**: And breathing. And living.

**Vincent**: It seems Sephiroth had caused massive organ failure with his Vulcan Death Grip.

**Aerith**: Damn it, not again. Seph, can't you keep from killing me for one story?

**Sephiroth**: (stares at the floor, chagrined)…No. I have a problem.

With his other hand still free, Sephiroth quickly grab her other arm and place her to the desk. "You are mine! How many times do I have to repeat myself!" He place both of Aerith's hands to the desk while propping her ass to his already harden cock.

Struggling as if she was mad, Aerith try to get away from him by elbowing his side, but this just earn her a chuckle from her predator.

**Sephiroth**: Good girl, you get another chuckle!

"When will you ever learn!" Sephiroth slam her forcefully to the desk, making her breasts mash on the surface of the wooden object.

**Aerith, Tifa and Yuffie**: (wince)

"Please Sephiroth! Haven't you done enough, you took my virginity and now you want to keep me as a slave?" Aerith voice was that of pure horror. "I kept my promise to you, now keep yours!"

"You fool!" Sephiroth, with the power of a demon bit into Aerith neck. As soon as she felt his teeth, she let out a scream that could wake the dead.

**Yuffie**: Hooray, Cloud's back!

**Cloud**: But still dismembered…

"Promises don't mean nothing to me any more, girl! You have my child, I will never let you go, NEVER."

**Sephiroth**: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Hahahahaa! …Heheh.

**Vincent**: Finished?

**Sephiroth**: …Yes.

With that Sephiroth ripped off what was left of the genie suit; only bits and pieces were left of it from last night. "Look at you, a total whore."

**Aerith**: Then pay up, you cheapskate.

He was licking his lips at her nude body.

**Sephiroth**: Mmmmm…whooooore.

Aerith knew words were useless now, but staying here forever with Sephiroth? Her eyes started to water. Was this really the price I had to paid to save her friends? Dear gods I do not want this fate you gave me!

Sephiroth started to unzip his pants, he was in no mood to get naked.

**Tifa**: It was broad daylight, she'd be able to see his stretch-marks.

**Sephiroth**: (grumbles) Stupid fangirls…I don't know why Mpreg is so damn popular.

Positioning his large erection into her womanhood, he slowly worked his way inside of her wet heat. Yes, wet… and tight, it was as if her pussy was only meant to be taken by his cock. No matter how much Aerith say she hates it, Her body will always tell me the truth…

"Sephiroth… p-please." Aerith was holding onto the edge of the desk, knowing that any time now he was going to slam into her body. She loves feeling this way… feeling his large erection deep inside of her wet core. I will never tell him that…

Grabbing her hips like a bear's grip…

**Yuffie**: Between the bears and the thrushes, I think Sephiroth's setting up a zoo in there.

Sephiroth smash his dick as far as it can go…

**Sephiroth, Cid, Cloud, Vincent, and Barret**: (wince)

Earning him a overwhelming gasp from Aerith. He loves to hear her moan… for her to say his name over and over. He continue to give Aerith, his lover, more pleasure by pounding inside of her. Aerith arc her back and spread her legs, so that he can have more room to move inside of her.

**Tifa**: Yes! We have established that he is inside of her. Can we move on please?

"Do you like my cock inside of you? It seems to me that you do." Sephiroth said, now fucking her like he was a dog in heat. The desk was moving forwards with each thrust.

**Aerith**: Actually I preferred the thrush, to be honest.

**Sephiroth**: Just wait 'til I get the chocobo…

**Yuffie**: WARK! WARK!

**RedXIII**: (puts his paws over his ears)

"No..oo..o… I don't want your filthy cock inside of me, take it out." What a lie, she thought to herself. She loves every inch of his cock; the beloved redness of his dick in need of her. She worships the way veins pop out of his manhood, while in full erection. The way that it throbs when he is excited…

**Sephiroth**: I don't even know my own penis in this much detail.

**Aerith**: Yeah, apparently I can pick it out of a line-up.

Aerith started fucking Sephiroth back, trying to be as hard and rough as he was. "Is that what you want!" She pushes back on his cock meeting his thrust each time. "Then have it! Have it all you monster!"

**Cloud**: Hey Aerith. If I act like a monster, can I have it all too?

**Aerith**: You can have this… (she casts Frog Song, turning him into a sleepy frog)

Sephiroth was overwhelm by the pleasure Aerith was giving him. He wasn't going to come before her… he never will. However, it was all to much… he was going to come faster then he ever did in his life. He was so pissed off… all his strength couldn't help him. The heat that he was feeling inside of his cock was building up.

**Yuffie**: The heat built up created a nuclear explosion and everyone died the end GET ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE!

He knew that the fire was going to burn but in the most enjoyable way imaginable. In the last minute the Great General Sephiroth gave it his all… pounding with unbelievable force inside of the wet heat he loves. "Cum with me Aerith!" he bit her neck to show her who was in control. "Cum with me, god… cum with me!"

**All**: (singing) Ohh no! They say he's lost control! Go go Cockzilla!

"I won't… I… I'm coming!" Aerith threw her head back as a powerful orgasm hit her body making her tremble. She felt Sephiroth come deep inside of her womb, the fire like seeds filling her.

**Aerith**: OW! Jeez, you really ought to get tested…are you sure you didn't get anything from Cloud?

She grabbed his firm ass and pushed his dick far inside of her…

Sephiroth was panting on top of her soft body. It always feels good with her.

**Sephiroth**: And by "always," I mean twice.

After a minute or so trying to calm himself down, Sephiroth zipped up his pants. "I knew you where a whore the minute I saw you. That makes it easy for me to kill you Aerith, your nothing but a dirty bitch. A toy that I will use until I get tired of it." He walk out of the room without another word…

Tears rolled down from Aerith's eye. The once grass green eyes, were now blood red.

**Barret**: Gettin' a contact high from that weed he smoked earlier.

Those word hurt more then any knife that could of cut her. She hung her head in shame, how could she ever think that a monster like him could change.

I hate you Sephiroth… I hate you with a passion.

**Cid**: Said the Narrator, apparently.

From now on I will never shed a tear for you, my eyes are dry. My baby… Aerith swallowed hard,

**Yuffie**: She swallowed her baby?

**Vincent**: Why not? They are tasty little buggers.

You'll never will touch it! It will never know who was the father and I'll escape from you…

**Barret**: You don't think the white hair and green cat eyes will be just a little giveaway?

**Tifa**: I wonder if it will manifest black leather onesies.

**Aerith**: Just as long as it doesn't manifest the Masamune.

**Cid**: Aw come on, that'd be so wicked! First baby ever to perform its own C-section!

THE END. Fade to black.

**Tifa**: (hits the sleepy-frog Cloud to wake him up) It's over!

**Cait Sith**: Hey, how come I didn't get any lines?

**Tiny Frog Cloud**: (ribbits) Shut up Cait Sith, no one likes you.

*Since the inception of the popcorn joke over two years ago, the authors have been unable to say the word "popcorn" with a straight face. Ever. Though the euphemism is quite useful when you need to discuss masturbation in polite company.

A/N: We'd like to thank one of our most frequent and enthusiastic reviewers on , Naria Lacour de Fanel, for the inspired new lyrics to Blue Oyster Cult's "Godzilla." She left those lines in one of her reviews back in 2009, and we haven't stopped quoting it ever since, so we shamelessly stole it for this revision. Thanks, Naria - hope you're still reading.


	2. Final Fantasy High

_And because we know you'll never make it through this sober, here is this episode's drinking game:_  
_Take a sip every time somebody smiles._  
_Take two sips for every weird description._  
_Take a shot every time the main character or anyone else explicitly says that she's a spy._  
_If you gave up beer for Lent, drink every time someone acts in character._  
_If you crave the sweet surcease of death, drink every time a word is misspelled._  
**Caution: Do not attempt with hard liquor.**

* * *

***transporter sound effects***  
In the back of the theatre, three beam in. Two of them bemused by their sudden change in location, and one clearly panicking.

**Reeve**: Wha-what? No! It wasn't supposed to be this way!  
**Reno**: Where the hell are we, yo? Reeve, you have some 'splaining to do!  
**Tseng**: (draws revolver) Fan out! Secure the...movie theater?  
**Cloud**: Oh hai, Tseng.  
**Tseng**: So, this is Rufus' latest torture device. Should be interesting to see how it affects your minds.  
**Reno**: Torture device? Ohh, good.  
**Tseng**: I assume I'm here to keep Reno in line.  
**Reeve**: No! Rufus, beam me back! I'm not a part of this!  
**Barret**: What's the matter, Mr. Jenova War Hero? Run out of robots to hide behind?  
**(Disembodied Voice of Rufus)** Actually, Vincent already shot all the Cait Sith robots we tried to send in...we assume he won't do the same to you, but either way, I can ensure your suffering.  
**Sephiroth**: You'll get used to it.

_Final Fantasy VII High School_

**All**: (groan) High school?

_by, Wonder the cat demon_

**Yuffie**: (snrk) Seriously?

New Student

I just arrive at my new school and I am a bit unsure what is going to happen. And plus I hope I will make new friends. And plue I am living alone. But the school I am going to have student that live together.

**Cid**: What the hell? Why didn't I get to live in coed dorms in high school?

Well I just got in the school and it is very big. Some of the people wore diffent unifroms.

**Vincent**: If they wore different "unifroms" wouldn't they cease to be well... unifroms?

I was unsure what I was going to wear. I look at my watch, it said it was 14:13. I put the bag on the ground on the floor and rub my num shoulder. A guy pass me and he had bloun spiky hair. He wore a white t-shirt with a blue hole gens and his eye color was light glowing blue.

**Cloud**: I'm glad I went with "gens" today, instead of karkis or slanks.

"Excuse me?" He turned and looked at me.  
"Yeah?" He said.  
"Do you know where is the office?" I asked,  
"Yeah fallow me, I going there myself." He smile.

**RedXIII**: Fallow him? He wants her to make him infertile?

"Oh good." I giggle, I pick up my bug and put the strap over my shoulder.

**Tifa**: Oh good, bugs come with straps now. I need a way to carry those more conveniently.  
**Cloud**: Do you think they have a bug that would match my blue hole gens?

"So where did you come from?" He asked. We were walking up the stears. I look at him. I fix my glasses.  
"Well it not much as a home anymore..." I gave him a upset look.  
"Why? What happen?" He asked. We stop at the top of the stears. I put my bag on the ground. Sat down and took a breath. Then I started to rub my arm.

**Cloud**: Oh goddamnit, I smell another "tragic" life story.  
**Tifa**: Mary Sue giveaway #1: Convenient plot scar that will probably never be mentioned again.

"A dragon burn my home town and killed alot of people and my best friend and I was to slay the monster. My best friend, she was tranded to become a dragon slaier. The monster devouring her alive and it hurt my right arm. And I couldn't save her."

**Sephiroth**: What? Did she reach in and try to pull her friend out of the dragon's mouth by hand?  
**Vincent**: Perhaps if she had paid better attention to her "tranding,"she would have known her friend was already "slaien."

I rember the look on her face. He took my bag and put it over his shoulder.  
"Oh let me carry this for you... and name is Strife, Cloud Strife."

**Cid**: Insert shitty James Bond joke here.

He put his hand out for me. I grab his hand he help me up. "Thanks and my name is Alex."

**Reeve**: Now that you know my life's greatest tragedies I suppose I should introduce myself.

Later on we got to the office. "So you a orphan?" I nodded. We walk in the office. There was a woman at a black dask. Cloud push me up to her. I handed her a peace of paper.  
"Well welcome Alex the spy." She said, Cloud look at me.  
"Your a spy?" Cloud said as he took one stap back.

**Aerith**: (as Mary Sue) Well not anymore, thanks for blowing my cover!

"High Class." I said with a smile.  
"I am sure Mr. Rufus will be please to meet you!" I smiled at her.

**Cid**: Yeah, the leader of the worlds biggest company and private army _loves _having goddamn spies around.  
**Tseng**: Well, he certainly gets along well with Reno...

"Please take a seat." She said with a smile.  
"Cloud, Rufus we see you soon." She look at Cloud.  
"You can take a seat too." We both sat down. I started to talk about my friend I'd had, then a man walk in the office. He had silver long hair. He shirt was black and had a skull on it. And he had light blue gens. He turn and glared at me. He eyes was light glowing green.

**Sephiroth**: I appear to be distinctly unfabulous today.  
**Tseng**: Yes, you look like you were jumped by a Hot Topic on the way to school.

"What up Sephiroth?" Cloud said. Sephiroth didn't say anything.  
"Here you go Seph." The lady gave him a peace of paper. Sephiroth had to the door. He eyed me again. I gave him a friendly wave. He raise his eye brow at me and walk out.  
"What was his problem?" I asked him and blush,  
"His ex-girlfriend slap him in the face and took off with a different man." He said as he look up at the roof. Most of the room was paited white.

**Reno**: *snrk* Girlfriend?  
**Cid**: Even if you get Cloud in drag, that still doesn't count as a girlfriend.  
**Tseng**: Maybe Genesis went to the same school.  
**Sephiroth**: (seethe) I will say this exactly once - there is nothing between me and Cloud, and Genesis was every inch a man! ...I'd like to rephrase the second part.  
**Tifa**: Of course there was nothing between you and Cloud. I never took you for a man who'd use protection.

'God he's cute' I thought, then I look down.

**Aerith**: (as Mary Sue) Oh, I just love hostile brooding guys who hold me in contempt and seem like they could become violent.

"I feel sorry for him." I said as I rub my shoulder.  
"Yeah me too."  
It wasn't long until a guy step out the office. He had black hiar, he long bangs went down to his chin. And in the back is not to long. And his eyes was blue and wore glasses. The guy look like he in his 20's or 30's.

**Vincent**: Try mid-60s. At least.

Plus he wore a white lab-coat. He look at me and walk up to me. Then I had a cold chill going up to my spine.  
"So your Alex?" He asked, he vioce was between light and dark... mostly dark. Cloud look at me and elbow me in the arm.

**Red XIII**: Light...dark...what? Your metaphor is bizarre and illogical! Voices cannot be light or dark, because sound waves don't carry photons! They're completely separate spectra and sensory media!  
**Vincent**: You must be a delight to read poetry with.  
**Reno**: ...wait, what, yo?

"Ye... Yes sir." He took he glass and wipe them with he coat.

**Sephiroth**: It puts the lotion on its skin.

"Well I hope to you in my class tomrow. Now if you excuse me." He left the office. I look like I was out of my mine.

**Aerith: **She comes from a mine? I thought she was from Nibelheim.  
**Tseng**: I wouldn't mind throwing her down a mineshaft.  
**RedXIII: **How about the Mythril Mine?She could continue her "tranding" to "slae" dragons down there.

Cloud was trying to not to laugh cause of the look I was making.  
"Don't tell me... I need to watch out for him." Cloud nodded and then he let out a loud laugh.

**Barret**: ...is he high?  
**Reno**: So _that's _why it's called Final Fantasy High, yo.

The ladie stop typing and look at us. I point at him and I slit to the chair that was next to me. She took out a materia it was green. "Silent." She said solfly. A light surround Cloud. Now we can't hear him laugh. He fell on the floor still laughing like heck.  
"That should keep him quiet." She said as she got back tpying.

**Tseng**: We do not allow humour and merriment at this school.

"Miss Alex." A man vioce called.  
"So Miss Alex, glad to have you abord." He said as Cloud and I fellow him in his office.

**RedXIII**: Follow! Follow! It has two O's!

"Thanks great to be here." I said with a smile.  
"Good to see you know Mr. Strife... he is very smart student." He said as he point to some chairs.

**Cid**: Could have fooled me; so far he looks like a half-baked idiot who carries bugs around.

"Oh come on Mr. Rufus... You are making me blush." Cloud rub the back of his head. Both of us sat down. Mr. Rufus had gel blond hair.

**Aerith**: Oh, is that what you call that shade? I'd have gone with "Radioactive Cheez-Whiz," myself.

He had a faw strans sticking out. He look like he was wareing a white coat over a lab coat and with white gens, plus a black tutle neck.

**RedXIII**: "Tutle"?  
**Tifa**: Toodles!  
**Reeve**: It's a good bye shirt.  
**Cloud**: Wow, gens are really popular at this school.  
**Aerith**: Well, yeah, troosers were sooo last year.

He sat down at his desk then he look though some papers.  
"I see your duity is being a spy. Well I am sure we need a spy." I put my head to the side.

**Cid**: Yeah, we need lots of spies at the _high school_. What the fuck is this story smoking?  
**Reno**: Not enough, yo. It can still type.  
**Vincent**: Rufus' "faw strans" would beg to differ.

"Why is that sir?" I asked,  
"Well to say..." He got up from his chair, went to the window and look down. The school is at lest 50 stories high. "

**Cloud**: Rufus was seriously considering jumping at this point, but then realized that if he can survive falling from this height plus being blasted by Diamond Weapon; this would accomplish nothing.

Alot of our student have been missing or killed by someone or something. But some of the students reappear at times." He turned and look at me.  
"That why we need you here. To learn and to save the students lives."

**Tseng**: Sending spies into high school is never a good idea. I only wish I could forget the whole Reno fiasco.

Then he sat back down and look at me. I look at Cloud. He was in space.

**Barrett**: Yup, he's high.

Then I look at Mr. Rufus.  
"Sir I'll be glad to work and learn at your school."  
"Good, you will start class the next day then."  
Cloud and I walk in a hallway of doors. "So what's you appartment number?" Cloud asked with a smile. I look at papers Mr. Rufus gave me.  
"It said 5...23." Cloud started to snicker at me.

**Cid:**Really, really high. Come on, man, numbers? You're laughing at numbers?

My eyes twich at him.  
"What's so funny."  
"You will see once we get there."

Wonder: Yep this a new storie I am working now.  
Cloud: Snicker  
Alex: Come on Cloud. Who behide door number 523?

**RedXIII**: May we please "behide" the Sueauthor?

Wonder: You'll see. Please write to me and tell me how you'll like it.

A cool roomie  
I do not own FF7  
Sorry if this is shot

**Vincent**: On the contrary, I don't think it's been shot enough.

"Come on tell me." I bagged him.  
"No you will see." Cloud containued,  
'Man I hope it's not Sephiroth.' I thought to myself.

**Tifa**: That's not a giveaway or anything. I'm definitely expecting anybody but Sephiroth now, thanks to that brilliant misdirection.

"Yep 523." He pointed to a door. I was eger to know who was in the appeartment. I knock on the door.  
"Hello is anyone there" I heard someone unlock the door. Then a man with green mako eyes looked at me. "Yes" He said.  
'Oh man it's Sephiroth' I thought. Cloud stood next to me.

**Cid**: Fuckin' zowie, what a twist, never saw that coming.  
**Vincent**: This...this is actually supposed to be irony, isn't it? She's trying to pass this stilted, hackneyed drivel off as a clever ironic plot twist. I...think I may kill something.  
**Sephiroth**: This is the species you were all so eager to save from destruction?  
**Cloud**: Is it too late to call Meteor back?

"Hey Seph, this is your new roomie." He push me into the door. I blush real hard. Seph raise his sliver eye brows at me.

**Sephiroth**: I could have an emotion now...but I choose not to.

"No, you got to be kidding me!" I glared at Cloud. Cloud put my bag on the floor.  
"Nope... It said 523." Cloud tesed me around. I felt like putting a hole in his face.  
"That not funny" I yelled at him.  
"Well bye." Cloud said as he shut the door behind him.  
'That dork' I thought. I look at Sephiroth. He gave me a smart look.  
"So you're Alex" I gave a smart look at him too.

**Aerith**: Just what the hell is a "smart look" anyway, and why would it exist in this story?

"And you must be the great Sephiroth." He smiled at me.  
"Well I see you know your people." He suck out his hand. I grab it and we shack.

**Reno**: Uh...kinky, yo?

"And I thought we was going to get off a wrong spot." I said with a sweat-drop. I put my clothes away in the droors.  
"So Alex what your last name" I shout the droor and gave him a upset look.

**RedXIII**: You - I - _what?_

"Oh I am sorry for asking." He said as if he read my mine. I got fan out. It is a metel tpye. Sharp as a knife.

**Sephiroth**: Is she threatening me? It's hard to tell through the mangled English.  
**Cid**: Yeah, she'll tell you she's a spy and pour out her whole goddamn dragon sob story, but she'll fuck you up with a razor fan if you ask her last name.

"Hey would you like me to show you the school" I look at him and smiled.  
"Yeah that sounds nice." I said as I put the fan in my back pockit. He went to his room and got his long sword.

**Cloud**: We're going to class now, better grab our weapons.  
**Cid**: I didn't know this was Columbine High.  
**Vincent**: Maybe this is why so many of their students keep turning up dead.

"Do you have your paper that tell you were your class are." He said as he came out of room.

**Tifa**: You mean a _schedule,_ you morons?  
**Vincent**: Perhaps their first class is vocabulary.  
**RedXIII**: I highly doubt it.

"Yeah."

Wonder: Ok tell me how I did.

**Tseng**: ...*sigh* Why bother?

First Class  
I do not own FF7 but I own Alex and Himaco owns Nik  
"Haa ha ha." I open my eyes and I was in water. I tired to move my arms. It was tide up.

**Cloud**: Wait...is she at the beach... drowning and laughing...what?

"Ha ha ha look at the powerful now Alex "

**Tseng**: Yes, Alex, look at the powerful. Aren't they impressive?

"Who there." All I saw was a person with black hair. I couldn't see him well. He push a button and the water I was in was filled with some kind of pink water.  
"I will get you!"

**Aerith**: I will get you with pink water! It will stain all your clothes! Staaaaaiin!

"Bazz Bazz Bazz." I sat up in my bed. I was sweating. Then I heard a knock.

**Reno**: Okay, seriously yo. What the hell is going on?  
**Barret**: She was at the beach, got slimed by that pink ooze from Ghostbusters, then killer bees showed up and...fuck it, I got nothing.

"Alex are you awake?" Seph asked.  
"Yeah, thanks for asking..." I got up and put my uniform. I don't know what kind it is. But I think Mr. Rufus said it was a Truks' uniform.

**Tseng**: ...No, no actually, he didn't. And in what delusional hell is this...person qualified to be a Turk?  
**Tifa**: Maybe the "Truks" are a cheap knock off.

But the thing that got me is the tie, but the color was cool. I love the color blue. I put my hair in a pony tail. I step out of my room. Seph was cooking something.  
"Morning!" he said with a smile.  
"Morning!" I said with a smile.

**Cid**: Well, that's creepy as fuck.  
**Cloud**: Every time Sephiroth smiles, hundreds of people die.

"Hungry?" He asked.  
"Yeah, oh nice uniform." I said. His uniform was black leather.  
"Thanks." He said as he gave me a plant of bacon. I sat down and took a bite.

**Aerith**: Bacon grows on plants now?  
**Cid**: I'll have a bacon bush with a side order of beef flowers.  
**Cloud**: If I had made it into SOLDIER, would I have gotten a bacon plant?  
**Sephiroth**: Bacon plants: For the eco-terrorist vegan-in-denial.  
**Tseng**: Yes, for example, Turks are rewarded with chickens.

"WOW this is good!" Seph smiled.

**Tifa**: For fuck's sake, it's just bacon! Not a culinary masterpiece!  
**Cid**: We do not speak ill of bacon. Bacon is next to godliness.

"Thanks."

Well today in the hallways. Students walk left and right in the hall. Some of the student stared at me. "She walking with Sephiroth." said a girl.

**Tifa**: Truly, a school for the intellectual elite.

Yeah Seph is walking with me. Then for no reason a Red head came up behind me and touch and rub my butt.

**Aerith**: Gee, I wonder who that could be.

"Hey Himaco." I took my suitcase and smack him with it. He fell on his hine.

**Reno**: Ow, yo! ...wait, what did I fall on?

His sun-glasses flew off and some brown hair girl caught it. She put her hand out for him. Sephiroth gave me a mean look.  
"WHAT!" I asked.

**Red XIII**: That's not asking, that's shouting.

The girl help him up. She look at me in the mean way.  
"DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH SOMETHING!" I gave her a snub look.  
"Ah Yeah, this dork touch me!"  
Seph step back. The student look and us. I walked off be for I started a fight. The girl gave the red head his sun-glasses and rub his red cheek. Seph stop me in a corner.  
"Alex, you need to careful with the fight you pick." He said.  
"I pick... The dork rub my butt!"

**Tseng**: Oh, come now. That's practically a handshake from Reno, don't work yourself up so much.  
**Reno**: Come... now? Is that an order, yo?  
**Tseng**: *sigh*

"Sorry but, this school is like other schools you been to." I look at him and sigh.

**Vincent**: Girls get harassed at lots of schools, so that makes it jim dandy.  
**Cid**: (snrk) Jim dandy, really? Not keen, neat-o, hunky-dory, marvy, fab, hep, the cat's meow?  
**Vincent**: Shut up.  
**Cid**:23 skidoo?  
**Vincent**: (gauntlet smack)

"Maybe you're right." Seph smiled and said, "You better be getting in class."  
"OK later." I gave him a peace sign and we walked a part.

**Tseng**: A peace sign. Yes. Give the elite commander of the private army of the corporate imperium, a hand gesture symbolizing the resistance and revolution. I'm sure he'll like it. (snort) Damned hippies.

'Well, to my first class.' I said in my mind. I walk in the class and... "Oh god!" I said to myself, That girl and the red hair boy was in the same class as I was. Not only that... They're wearing the same uniform as I'm wearing. The students were dress the same.

**Vincent**: Kind of the entire point of "unifroms", yes.

Then the girl turn to me. I sweat-drop. Then the red head with that long rat-tail look at me too.

**RedXIII**: No...NO! You do not write in sweat drops! Visual aesthetics do not work in writing!

"Hey, sorry about what happen early." He said.  
"No it's okay. You just woke me up. And sorry about slapping you." I said as I scratch my head.

**Cid**: Ass-groping! Better than coffee.

"Don't worry he need at few slaps oncein the while." The girl said as she smiled, then she put her hand out to me. I took it.

**Tifa**: Oh, well, so much for that source of plot tension.  
**Cloud:**All my friendships at Shinra started with sexual harassment in the corridors. Come to think of it, most of that was Reno.

"Hi I'm Himaco orNikki or you can call meNik for short." The red head made a peace sign.  
"And I am Reno." Reno stood there in a fashin way.

**Tseng**: What? What does that mean?  
**Tifa**: Fashion?  
**Vincent**: He stood in a fashion way? Are there fashionable postures?  
**Cid:**I don't know why, but it sounds like it means something gay.

Then three more kids came up to me. There was a short blond hair girl, a bold man, and a man black hair.

**Reno**: (cackles) That's you guys? You get "bold man" and "man black hair"? At least I have lines and a name.  
**Tseng**: At least I'm not fashin.

The blond look at me in a snub way and said, "She doesn't even look like a spy to me."

**Tseng**: (face palms) That's exactly the point! You're not supposed to "look" like a spy!  
**Red XIII**: Maybe it's a surprisingly clever new approach to espionage - no one would suspect someone who was all but wearing a "Hello I Am A Spy"nametag. ...I just need to believe this story isn't as lackwitted as it seems.

I just got mad now.  
"Well look can be deseving."

Wonder: I can tell you this... I don't have spell-check

**All**: No Shit!

Mako Eyes and Punishment?

**Reno**: Oooh, good.  
**Tseng**: You'll love it, I know.

"Now class. You can start fights in the hallways." Mr. Rufus said as he came in the class.

**Barret**: They can? Why the hell didn't I go to this high school?

Everyone went to their sets.  
"Alex..." Mr. Rufus called. I look at him. He finger me to his desk.

**Tifa**: ...That can't possibly be as dirty as it sounds.

I walk over. He turn my around to look at the class.  
"Students... this is Alex. She had move here and I want her to feel welcome here to our school. Got it?" he glard at his class,

**Cloud**: Rufus has a very intimidating "glard."  
**Sephiroth**: Welcome her...or else.  
**Aerith**: YOU WILL LOVE THE SUE. WE HAVE ALWAYS LOVED THE SUE. BIG SUE IS WATCHING.

"Yes sir." the class said, I sweatdrop.

**Red XIII**: (growls, beginning to foam at the mouth)

Mr. Rufus eyed Reno.  
"Reno what did I say about your shirt?" He asked, Reno look at his shirt. It was unbotton half way.

**Reno**: Uh, "get that damn thing off so I can tie you to the desk with it"?

"What the matter with that?" Reno smark, Mr. Rufus glared at him in a cold way.  
"I asure you to follow the rules in the school. You will be punish."

**Tseng**: (winces, head in hand) Good gods, don't tell him that...  
**Reno**: (short-circuits from an overload of suggestive comebacks)

Mr. Rufus eyes trun very cold. I didn't feel safe a little. Reno mummbled and botton his shirt and turn to Nikki. Mr. Rufus look at me and smiled.  
"Befor you start you class..." He bind down and like at me in the eyes.

**Tseng**: Don't you hate it when he likes at you?  
**Cloud**: Rufus used to "like" at me...until I drop-kicked Dark Nation off of the roof of Shinra Headquarters during our battle.

"You have to have your eyes mako." He bind back up. Mako... what does that mean.

**Barret**: What does... It's only the goddamn power source for every city and town that made it out of the stone age! I know you're not the brightest flare on the reactor, but take a fucking interest!  
**Vincent**: Can we help you define oxygen next? Or gravity?

"Himaco." he called, Nik stood up.  
"Sir?"  
"Take Alex to the lab and let Hojo mako her eyes." He push me a little.  
"Sir." Nik nodded her head. I follow in the hallway. I wait until we got down the hall to talk to her.  
"If I may ask..."  
"Hmmm?" she look at me,  
"What is the punishment?" Nik sigh,  
"Did you see the scars on Reno's face?" she asked,  
"Do you mean the scars under his eyes?" Nik look like she was going to cry.  
"Yes..." then a tear roll down her check.  
"What happen?"

**Reno**: Someone set us up the bomb.

Something tell me something is wrong.

"Reno and I snack out of school late at night. And we went to go have a good time, when we got back..." I can feel it, in her mine, I see pain.  
"Mr. Rufus and Hojo and theother teachergot us and we was going to be punish. Reno told him that it was his idea to sneak out. They hold his down a burn under his eyes with a hot iron. They made me watch him get burned. He yelled and I...

**Sephiroth**: Couldn't stop laughing.

...cried..." she wipe the tears,  
"Rufus told me if we sneck out again, he will do wrose for the both of us.

**Reno**: I got the tattoos to intimidate suspects and pick up chicks, but you go ahead and write me into your victim plot, thanks for making me an emo pussy.

….We neave did it again..."

"I sorry I'd ask... I never know this was a bad school."

**Aerith**: The student deaths and disappearances, mandatory weapons policy, and total lack of educational content didn't tip her off?

"No it's ok. You had to know."  
Nik knock on a door. "Mr. Hojo. Alex is here to get her eyes mako." Someone open the door.  
'HOLY COW' I said in my mind. I had that cold going up my spin. That teacher wtih black hair.

**Cloud**: Now that you know he's a twisted, inhuman sadist who gets his rocks off by torturing and mutilating kids...have fun being totally at his mercy, bye!

"Well look like your ready for mako, Miss Alex." he said.  
"So your Mr. Hojo?" I said tring not to sound like I was freck out.  
"Yes well, sorry for not telling who I was in the first plase. Please come in." I walk in the lab. God he freak me out.  
"Himaco come back here in three hours, got it?"  
"Yes sir!" Hojo shout the door.

**Aerith**: Was he always in the habit of shouting at the architecture?  
**RedXIII**: Yes...yes he was.

"Please sit in that chair..." he point to the operation chair. I gluped. I sat in it, then I lie back. He got the gas mask.  
"I am going to put you to sleep, you will wake up in three hours." he place the gas mask over my mouth and nose. Then a sec felt sleeply. And everything got dark.

**Reeve**: And she asphyxiated on her own vomit and died, The End...please?  
**Vincent**: Since when does Hojo use anesthetic?

"Alex..."  
"Alex wake up" I open my eyes. There was a light around me. Very bright.  
"Am I... dead?"

**Reno**: Yes you are, the end. Can we go now, yo?

"No you just woke up" said a man's voice.  
"Ow that light is hurting my eyes." I try to block the light.  
"It will hurt for the day. Sit up, will you?" he said. I sat up then the light disappeared and still my eyes hurt and everything was fuzzy. Then the man, that was talking to me wrap something around my eyes.

**Reeve**: We'll play Blind Man's Bluff, that will make you feel better after the torture.

"Your going to wear this for a day and a half, got it?" he said,

**Cloud**: Then you'll lapse into a coma, and your best friend can carry your lolling carcass across the continent in hope of rescue until the bitter end! ...Too soon?

"Yes, sir." Then I felt a tug in the back of my head.  
"There you may go Miss Alex."  
"OK." He lead me to the door. I heared him open it. "Himaco you may take her to her appearment."

**Cloud**: She might grow wings, forget her identity, mutate into a bloodthirsty monster, or feel a strange urge to carry a weapon twice her height, but that's normal.

"Yes sir." Nik said. Then I heard someone mumble. I think it was Reno. I suck my hands out. One of them took it. Then I heard a door shut.  
"Alex you ok?" Nik asked,  
"I thinks so. Just feel dizzy and all."

**Barret**: Great, now she's stoned too.

"Then we need to get up to your appeartment, what number is it?" He asked,  
"523" I said. Then kind of trip.

**Cid**: (as Mary Sue) Wooooah! Suddenly I _get_"Stairway to Heaven!"

"Oh Alex?"  
"No I'm fine. What the heck does mako do to the eyes?"  
"Nothing, all it can do is make them glow, like our"

**Vincent**: ...!  
**Tseng**: You are, beyond all doubt, the worst spy there could ever be.  
**Aerith**: Just in case anyone still thought this girl had come any closer to the content of the game than someone's youtube video of pretty boys...  
**Cloud**: I'm so glad I spent four years of my life in a torture chamber just for pretty shiny eyes.

"Oh how lovely." I felt my arms being lift. then I felt walking.  
"Reno?" Nik said,  
"Yeah?" he anwser, I know it, Reno was here.  
"Do you got the feeling Hojo is up to something?"  
"Yeah..."

**Reno**: You think? Just because he's making an army of glowy-eyed kids?  
**Tseng**: He's planning a remake of Village of the Damned! That black-hearted fiend!

"Me too... First I saw him, I had cold chills going up my spin." Nik and Reno didn't say a thing.  
'He has to be up to something.' I thought.

Wonder: Thank you... thank you

**Vincent**: ...! Is... is she taking a bow?  
**Cloud**: Great, Wonder, you broke the gunman. Are you happy now?

True Feelings  
I don't own FF7 but himco own Nikki and I own Alex  
It's been a three mounths now, I am injoy my new friends. Cloud show me his Friends.

**Cloud**: (brings out his multi-bladed combo-sword) Say hello to my little friends...

**Cid**: What? How the hell did you get that in here?  
**Cloud**: Same way I got it to the Forgotten City - I drove it through a plothole.

They're cool. The two girl that fight over Cloud was Tifa and Aeris. We're in the lunch room.

**Aerith**: Oh, a Sue writer making every other woman in her story look insipid and bitchy. This is a new and shocking trend.  
**Barret**: At least you made it into the damn story. Not that I really want to be here, but it'd be nice if somebody remembered that I exist once in awhile.

"NO CLOUD LIKES ME MORE!" yelled Tifa, she pulled Cloud's arm.  
"NO CLOUD LIKES ME THEN YOU!" Aeris yelled too, then she grab his other arm and pulled it. Cloud was swing back and forth between the girls.

**Cid**: (muttering) Lucky bastard.

Cloud was getting sick to his stomick. Nikki and Reno was laughing their butts off. Sephiroth was abit up set. I was standing behind him. I tug the back of his hair. He look at me.

**Sephiroth**: Oh, the ways I could prolong your death.  
**Reno**: He does tend to get prissy about his hair, yo.  
**Sephiroth**: (wordlessly radiates disdain for the world of all things red-haired and mulleted)

"What's wrong?" I asked. He turned his head back. He sigh. I pulled up a chair and sat next to him. He watched Tifa and Aeris fighting over Cloud. I look what he was looking at. He had his eyes on Aeris. I pat his back.

**Sephiroth**: Hmm, should I impale her with a running start, or leap down on her from a great height? Definitely the leap, I think...who the hell keeps touching me while I'm plotting?

"Why don't you ask her out Seph?" I said with a smile. He look at me in the corner of his eyes. Then he chackle and looked back at Aeris.  
"She very prity..." He said in a low voice. I thought a little. I look at Nikki and Reno. They're still laughing at poor Cloud. I look back at Seph.  
"If you like her that much, go get her tiger." I push her shoulder. He look at me upset.

**Reeve**: Yes, steal her tiger, that should get her attention.

"I would but... she doesn't has the hot for me"

**RedXIII**: Not a single hot. How sad.

"Will I do." He was a little shock. He turned his head quickly to face me.

**Sephiroth**: Who the hell is Will?

"What?" I could tell that he wish I would had never said that. But this true, I love him. The truth nothing but the truth. Nikki leaned on my shoulds.

**RedXIII**: (buries his head in his paws) I give up. I can't even look at it anymore.

"Ahh So sweet Alex. You telling Seph you loved him." Nikki said in a sweet way.

**Reeve**: (throws an arsenal of thesauruses at the story) Damn these redundant adjectives!  
**Vincent**: Adverbs. They are your friends.

I got out of my chair. And walk out of the launch room. I tried to keep a strait face. Well I was half way there, so much for a pocker face. I was hoping he like me more then Aeris. I guest some dreams don't come true. I stop and lean my head on Mr. Rufus class door.  
"Alex... Miss Alex..." A girl with light brown hair ran to me. She grab my hand and pulled me off.  
"What going on Wonder!" She pulled me to the Girl's locker room. Some of the girls was in towels. Other was in clothes.  
"There is a monster in the locker room. The boys won't go in and kill it." Wonder point a the locker room's door.

**Cloud**: But since you got your friend killed fighting a dragon, you're clearly the best person for the job!  
**Tseng**: Heaven forbid we call any teachers for this...

"It's a girl's locker rooms. And we are men." Cid said and he cross his arms.

**Cid**: What in the hell am I doing there? And why ain't I panty raiding the lockers?

I was disgeast.

**Sephiroth**: As am I.

"Men... more as boys to me." I walked into the locker room. I was hearing mummbleing.

**Tifa**: It's even more indistinct than mumbling.

In the shower I found Vincent. He look like he was beated up.

**Reno**: (snrk) You got beat up in the girls' locker room, Valentine?  
**Vincent**: No... I just wake up in strange places when Chaos has taken over.

I ran out and said. "Wonder go to the launch room and get Reno and Nikki!"

**Cid**: One of the oxygen tanks is fucked! Abort! Abort!

Wonder nodded and ran off.  
"Cid came in here and help me." Cid look at me like I was nuts.  
"Heck no..." He said, I grab his color and pulled him in.

**Barret**: She pulled him in by his Caucasian.

Later on Vincent sat up in his bed like he had a nightmare. He was breathing deeply. Tseng step in his room to check on him. Vincent was still dizzy. Tseng stooled next to Vincent's bed.  
"What happen?" Vincent asked, Tseng move his head sideway. Wonder, Nikki and I peek in Vincent's room. Then Reno and Sephiroth pulled us out of the door way.  
"That what I want to know... you ben gone for six mounth." Tseng said in a low voice. The girls and I leaned against the door to hear what happen. Vincent was in deep thought.  
"All I remmber is getting hit behide my head and had a dream that I was being an exspearment.

**Aerith**: A former chewing gum flavour?  
**Tseng**: A retired weapons rack?  
**RedXIII**: (whimpers)

And Mr. Hojo was there too. Then I woke up in the girl's locker room." The girls and I look at each other. Maybe Hojo is behine this. Don't know, maybe he is.

**Cloud**: What other hints do you need? Flashing neon? A Broadway rendition of "It's Great to be a Mad Scientist" sung by Hojo? Puppets with flashcards saying "This is a villain"? Should we give him a black handle-bar mustache to twirl while he ties kittens to railroad tracks?  
**Tifa**: ...you've put thought into this, haven't you?

THE END

**Cid**: When I said I wish I'd gone to a co-ed spy academy, I didn't mean I wanted to get turned into a goddamn 15-year-old!  
**Tifa**: I never thought I would get nostalgic for tentacle plants and 13-inch cocks, but this fic made it possible.

_Authors' Note_: Remember that scene in Advent Children where Cloud jumps on his motorcycle and rides to the Forgotten City to rescue the kids from the Sephiroth clones? Rides from Edge to the North Continent, in other words? …across the ocean… on a motorcycle.

Seriously, how the hell did he do that?


	3. Bright Eyes, Burning With Boredom

_This fanfiction's drinking game..._

_You won't need alcohol to get through this story - it's so forgettable, it will slide past your brain like butter on Teflon. But we know you expect a drinking game, so:_

_Take a sip every time the characters hear disembodied voices._

_Take a shot every time the main character fails to understand proper medical treatment._

_Take two shots every time knowledge of the FFVII game makes this fanfic less comprehensible._

_If you can't mix booze with your medication: Take a drink every time you recognize a major plot element as being related to the game._

_If you seek that sleep of death: Take a shot every time you forget what just happened and you don't give a fuck._

* * *

_Back in the theater..._

**Rufus**: (appearing on the screen before them in his best supervillain style)

**Tseng**: What do you have for us today, sir?

**Rufus**: Well, I tried to download "Cloud Mows The Lawn," but the Torturezoid robots froze up in horror.

**All**: (shudder)

**Rufus**: So while I'm waiting for the IT guys, I don't have much...(rummages through files, tosses one out randomly) Here, this should occupy you for awhile.

**Reno**: Is there porn in this one?

**Rufus**: Not even a nipple.

**Cid**: Cool villain, maybe?

**Rufus**: Hahaha! No.

**Vincent**: Fencing, fighting, true love, miracles?

**Rufus**: Inconceivable.

**Red XIII**: A fight scene that doesn't take place offscreen?

**Rufus**: ...You know, I can't remember.

**Tifa**: Are any of the main characters in it?

**Rufus**: ...Possibly?

**Cloud**: Did you in fact see this fic.

**Rufus**: Yes, I saw the...thing. Whatever it was. Just watch it.

_Credits roll..._

Hey! This is my first Advent fic so I hope you enjoy it.

**Vincent**: First Advent... isn't that a little redundant?

**Red XIII**: It's the first ...arrival of the beginning, of the thing we've been waiting for.

**Disclamer:** Don't own anyone or thing but "the girl" Square Enix does. I just like torturing the brothers.

**Vincent**: Clearly.

**Tseng**: So what's your excuse for torturing the rest of us?

Chapter 1

Yazoo hated being in these situations. Surrounded by a gang that was planning on rapping him.

**Aerith**: Oh no, they're going to rap him!

**Cloud**: It's Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch, run!

How was it that they always thought he was gay?

**Cid**: Gee... did the tight leather jump suit and the silver barbie hair give it away?

**Vincent**: This also assumes that his "rappists" even care about his sexual orientation.

**Tifa**: To all the ladies out there, if you ever find yourself cornered in a dark alley with your potential rapist slowly approaching you; just tell him you're a lesbian and he'll leave you alone!

**Aeris**: No no stop! I like girls!

**Sephiroth**: Oh, I'm terribly sorry for the inconvenience, ma'am. I'll find someone else. Have a lovely evening.

He pulled Velvet Nightmare and started shooting and dodging the 15.

**Tifa**: What is Velvet Nightmare? Sounds like a gay goth band.

**Cid**: Ain't a "gay goth" band a bit redundant?

**Yuffie**: And what does "dodging the 15" mean? Any relation to "23 skidoo"?

**Vincent**: No.

After a few minutes he shot the last one in the forehead. At least he thought it was the last one. A hidden one was sneaking up behind him with an iron pipe. As he raised it to strike the youth, a 6 inch dagger went through his neck. Sputtering blood he collapsed.

**Sephiroth**: And my little brother dies a gruesome death, the end.

Yazoo whirled around aiming the gun at…a girl?

**Sephiroth**: ….wait, what?

**Vincent**: Yazoo is surprisingly lively for someone who just got knifed in the throat.

_Where did she come from?_ He thought glancing between her and the body.

Not saying a word she made her way to him. _She saved my life_.

**Reeve**: (hums) Someone saved, someone saved, someone saved my life tonight...

**Cid**: No, I just think she saved him from walkin' funny for a couple days.

He lowered his gunblade, noticing how sleek she was. Her black leather outfit accentuated her body. The pants were tight, and her vest top was very sexy.

**Tifa**: It looked simply fabulous. Yazoo _so_ wanted to borrow it next time he went clubbing.

Her bangs fell to her shoulders, covering her eyes, while the back was short.

Upon reaching him she bent down and pulled her dagger from the corpse. Silently she looked directly into Yazoo's eyes and sauntered off, leaving him frozen.

_Why where her blue eyes like his?_

_Who is she?_

_Where did she come from?_

_Why did she help me?_

**Sephiroth**: _And why do I feel so comfortable in leather?_

**Cid**: (chanting) Oh fuck, not a clone sister not a clone sister not a clone sister...she'd be hot as fuck but I can't take another fucking long-lost-sister story...

So? What do u think? Please R&R- (evil look with fiery background) OR I SHALL HUNT YOU DOWN AND MAKE U SUFFER! MWHAHAHAHAHA!

**Cloud**: Haven't you made us suffer enough?

**Sephiroth**: She doesn't know the true meaning of suffering...or of evil, flame-wreathed stares. (images of Nibelheim flash before the party's eyes)

**Sephiroth**: Don't fuck with the original.

Chapter 2

Still not owning Advent Children

**Reeve**: Still not thinking that you did.

Chapter 2

**RedXIII**: I lost track, which chapter is this?

It was a month after the incident and Yazoo still could not get the girl off his mind. He was in town trying to dig up as much information about Cloud with out raising suspicions.

**Cloud**: Raising suspicion? Hell, you can break into people's houses and steal their valuables and they really don't seem to care.

Kadaj had kept him busy with fixing up the abandoned farm Loz had found. Yes, with all 3 working on it it did take a month to repair it.

**Sephiroth**: A farm? A _farm_? We've gone from global domination to Green Acres?

**Vincent**: A perfectly good Forgotten City up north, and you hatch your nefarious schemes at the little house on the prairie.

**Tifa**: Maybe they got just as distracted as we did and raised Chocobos instead of doing what they were supposed to be doing.

**Sephiroth**: Yes, about that...do you have any idea how long I waited for you down in that Crater, while you were raising easter-coloured ostriches in the hinterlands? Nothing to do but watch Mother mutate some more and listen to the Tonberries howling? It was mating season... (shudders)

**RedXIII**: Well I _warned_ them we only had seven days to confront you.

**Sephiroth**: And animal husbandry and compulsive gambling seemed like the appropriate course of action?

**Cloud**: ….Do not question the leader!

Today they were in the rougher parts of Edge.

**Tifa**: Is there an upscale side of the post-apocalyptic shantytown?

Maybe he could "buy" the info off of someone.

**Reno**: And by "buy," he means "prostitute."

Seeing a lone figure in front of him he pulled his gun and calmly stalked the person. With only half a block on a lonely road Yazoo thought this would be easy.

Gunshots and shouts proved him wrong. Two men were flung from the alley. Quickly picking themselves up they rushed back in only to meet their deaths by ninja stars.

**Sephiroth**: Buying our henchmen from the discount bin, I see.

**Tseng**: Only the lowest quality henchmen come with firearms and die to such primitive weaponry.

Yazoo's target fled the scene, but he decided to watch the show. Suddenly everything went quiet. Stepping into what looked like a bloodbath he stared at the different copses.

**RedXIII**: Copse: A grove of trees; a thicket.

**Vincent**: Now which one of these bloodstained copses did I leave Bambi's mother in...

Some of their wounds were normal- slashed throat, stabbed, and broken necks.

**Aerith**: Yeah, just the normal kind of brutal mortal wounds you see on a day to day basis.

Others looked like they were bitten. Strange. He raised an eyebrow.

**Sephiroth**: (raised eyebrow) Pfft...vampires? Very creative.

"STUPID BI…."

**Cid**: Bicycle

**Aerith**: Biscuit

**Sephiroth**: Bisexual

**Reeve**: Binary

**Cloud**: Biologist

**Yuffie**: Billboard

She drew her dagger across the man's throat and stood up. She could barely walk the few feet she did before she collapsed.

"_Her_" He would never forget that outfit.

**Tifa**: Told you.

Rushing to her side he pulled her into his arms.

**Yuffie**: And stole her clothes.

She opened her eyes a moment trying not to scream from the pain in her side.

She was cut up from her fight, but those she was used to. It was her side that was the cause of her fainting in the silver haired man's arms.

She was covered in blood. A quick check assured him that she had no internal injuries. _So, why is her mouth bloody?_ But, she had been shot in the side.

**Vincent**: That doesn't count as an internal injury?

**Tseng**: Probably a punctured lung...so, in fanfiction tradition, that should be cured by a band-aid and a bowl of soup.

**Reno**: Quick! Stuff a tampon in the bullet hole, yo!

It wasn't too deep but he knew it must have hurt like hell.

He picked her up and started for the truck. Half way there though she startled and freed her self from his grip falling on her face in a puddle.

Remembering that she had just been in a fight she used what little water there was to clean her face.

**Cloud**: Wait...why? Why would you care about your appearance right after a near death battle?

**Tifa**: Maybe she can fall on a makeup kit next, so she won't have to die with runny eyeliner.

Getting up she once again tried to walk on her own. This time he was there to catch her as she once again fainted.

**Reno**: (dramatically places the back of his hand on his forehead) *siiiigh* (tries to faint into Tseng's arms and crashes onto the floor)

**Tseng**: (reading the Sephiroth fanzine) Hmmm... according to this quiz, I'm an "OMG LUV 4 LIFE Sephygirl." And I was just guessing about the conditioner.

**Reeve**: Yeah, like you've never been in his shower.

**Reno**: ….Ow...

When they finally reached the truck he dug out the first aid kit and bandaged her up. Making sure she was comfortable he started the engine and left.

**Cloud**: What happened to all that curative materia? We used to find it just lying on the ground. Did it all vanish when Meteor fell? Are we the only people who ever knew how to use it?

Chapter 3

Trying, but still not owning AC

Chapter 3

**Cid**: Er...thanks for the reminder, I guess.

**Aerith**: Did you know this is Chapter 3? It's Chapter 3!

**Reeve**: This update brought to you by the Department of Redundancy Department.

"What the hell is that!" Kadaj yelled as Yazoo carried an unconscious figure into the living room.

**Sephiroth**: It's a human sacrifice for Mother, isn't that obvious?

When his brother didn't reply Kadaj looked her over.

As he was laying her on the couch curiosity took over, "This is not like you Yazoo...

**Sephiroth**: You've never shown interest in a girl before.

...Why didn't you leave her?"

Never taking his eyes off her Yazoo mumbled something.

"What was that?"

"She saved my life." With that he went into the kitchen to get water, rags and the med kit.

**Cloud**: How about, I don't know, a cure spell? You only stole my entire materia chest, I'm sure you can find one.

**Sephiroth**: The day one of my clones needs Xena the Vampire Ninja Princess to save him from some henchmen, I'm standing directly beneath Meteor when it hits.

Kadaj eyed her as he would an annoying insect. She would just prove a distraction from finding Mother.

**Tifa**: Pesky Sues! The swarm is particularly bad this year.

"Did you glean any info today?"

"Nothing I hadn't heard before," Yazoo lied, removing the bandage.

**Aerith**: Actually, nothing at all, since you were in town for three minutes before you walked into the Great Ninja Alleyway Massacre and kidnapped your Rule 63 clone.

"Then I have great news!"

Both turned to see Loz at the front door.

"Big Brother lives at a bar with orphans, but is never there…..Who the hell is that?"

**Reno**: Great news! Our big brother abandons little kids! Fuckin' awesome!

**Cloud**: (angst)

"Never mind her" Kadaj said giving the middle brother a disapproving look that was ignored. "Where does he stay?"

"At some church that's in ruins. But he also runs a delivery business."

"Then open ground will be our best option."

**Vincent**: Then...wait, what? How did you come to that conclusion? Are you Highlanders? Can you not fight on holy ground?

**Aerith**: No...no their kind have no hang ups with fighting on Holy ground.

**Sephiroth**: What do you mean we have no...oh right... (awkward silence)

Slowly she opened her eyes to pitch dark. _What happened? The fight…silver hair? _Hearing soft breathing she closed her eyes _Why me?_ _Stay calm! How many? One is practically by me, another just snored past my feet must be by that wall and the last is on my right. _Opening her eyes a gain she let them adjust to what little light the stars gave.

**Tseng**: So far her supernatural skills consist of...offscreen ninjutsu, semiconscious makeup tips, and snore-sonar. ...Riveting.

**Tifa**: Surely she will save us all.

**Cloud**: But not from herself.

Just barely making out where the bodies were she located the door and windows. She tried to sit up but a sharp pain in her side hit like a searing fire. Holding her breath she forced herself up. Making sure she didn't disturb anyone she made her way to the door. _Augh…..stairs!_ Carefully she made her way down and into the kitchen.

Yazoo watched as she left the room. Kadaj did not want her out of site so Yazoo followed her in the kitchen.

**Reno**: Advent Children: The Kitchening!

She was getting a glass from the cupboard. As she closed the glass door his reflection came to view. Neither said anything as she filled her cup with water.

She turned around, "Sharon.'

"Yazoo."

**RedXIII**: When did they introduce themselves?

Nodding she opened the cupboard that held the booze. Pulling out some vodka she turned to him and gave it a little shake as though asking if he wanted some.

No he shook his head.

She poured herself a shot and then diluted some in a bowl before starting to remove the bandages.

**Cloud**: Potions. Cure spells. Even hydrogen peroxide. Did we somehow keep our motorcycles and lose all our medtech in the apocalypse?

"Let me help you."

When the bandages were off she took the rag she had soaked and pressed it against the wound. Pain shot to the site causing her to grit her teeth.

_What are you doing?_ "You shouldn't do that. Use this." He pushed the med kit to her.

**Cid**: Oh yeah, you're not Davy Crockett, you can use real fucking medicine.

Shaking her head no she waited a few more moments before removing the rag. He watched as she rewrapped herself wishing Kadaj had just let him use healing materia. But, his brothers did not trust her and were going to make her stay as miserable as possible.

**Sephiroth**: So... why not just kill her?

**Reno**: Then you could save your booze for something more useful, like getting shitfaced.

**Cloud**: And we could have our plot back.

**Tifa**: Advent Children had a plot?

**Cloud**: Fine, we could have our 90-minute fight scene back.

Sharon shook her head as she once again looked at him. His similarity to the infamous Sephiroth was too much.

**Vincent**: That almost sounds like a plot hook. Could it be...?

**Aeris**: Is something finally going to happen?

**Reno**: I'd like to buy a clue, Vanna.

"You must be starving." He said going to the refrigerator holding it open for her to see what they had.

**Reeve**: That's it? End of chapter?

**Cid**: Yeah, that's enough of that action-packed chapter. Fuck, I'm tired just reading about her...waking up and getting a snack.

**Tifa**: And don't forget that single word she spoke. What a rush.

Chapter 4

Don't own FF7 AC so don't sue.

_Thoughts_

"_voices in head"_

**Yuffie**: (singing) I want you to get a gun, and head on down to Washington, Voices in my head, these are the voices in my, voices in my head.

Chapter 4

**Aeris**: I mean seriously, just in case you didn't think this was the 4th Chapter.

Nothing happened as the day progressed. Sharon was showing Yazoo how to mend their clothes as Kadaj paced and Loz worked on the bikes.

**Reeve**: I'm so glad she took the time to describe how nothing was happening.

**Sephiroth**: I'm so glad the remnants of myself are growing up to be so ambitious and powerful.

**Cloud**: I'm so glad I brought my GameBoy.

**Tifa**: Why do they need to mend their clothes? They can just manifest black leather right out of their own skin.

Later that night the brothers were sound asleep in their room as she used the couch.

"_Shay"_

Nothing

"_SHARON WAKE UP!"_

**Reno**: (as Ozzy) SHAAAAROOOON! I flush'd me pills don' th' commode agn'!

She bolted up looking around for the voice that was so familiar but no one was about.

"_Shay, you must leave now."_

"What? Why?" she asked the air confused.

**Tseng**: My deus-ex-machina senses are tingling. Why do I suspect we're never going to find out what this voice is?

**Cloud**: Did I even find out whether the voice in my head was Sephiroth or Zack?

**Aerith**: At least you had limited options to choose from - I had a whole lost civilisation clamoring in my mind.

**Vincent**: I can appreciate your situation, I only have four.

**Reno**: Damn, yo - how many of you are schizo, anyway? No wonder it felt like we were fighting a whole goddamned army.

"_Get out! Your life is in danger!"_

She nodded and made her way to the surrounding forest.

**Tifa**: Sure, voice in my head, I'll obey you unquestioningly!

**Sephiroth**: Hmm, maybe she is one of ours after all.

Meanwhile upstairs:

Kadaj was tossing and turning when Jenova spoke.

"_Kadaj, listen to me."_

"Mother?"

"_The girl is an assassin sent by Cloud. You must kill her. Now!"_

**Cloud**: Wait... I didn't...er...I mean, yes I did! When I abandoned Seventh Heaven I was only hiring an assassin for those potential kidnappers.

**Aerith**: ….For once I agree with Jenova.

**Vincent**: There certainly are a lot of disembodied voices this evening.

**Sephiroth**: It's an excellent way to get out of having to write real plot transitions.

His eyes flew open _assassin!_ He woke his brothers and gave them Mother's instructions.

This didn't set well with Yazoo. If she was to assassinate them why not let him die last month? But he had to obey Mother.

Downstairs they searched every room.

"She must have heard us." Kadaj glared at Yazoo then the back door. "Search the woods."

VvVvV

**Tifa**: ZzZzZ!

**Reeve**: MmMmM!

"Sensei… what is going on? Sensei?..." She whispered to the air hoping the voice would return and explain things.

**RedXIII**: Wait, who...what? That's not a sensei, that's just a delusion.

After running 2 miles she had slowed down and was now searching for a good place to hide. There was hardly any ground cover. _There has to be a better place than this. _She thought eyeing a log just big enough for her to squeeze into.

A cell phone went off. _Shit! _She climbed into the log and pulled up a branch as a screen.

**Reno**: ….Kinky, yo?

As the footsteps neared she closed her eyes. The footsteps stopped and Loz looked around before moving on. Deciding to stay there she fell into an uneasy sleep.

"How could we not find a girl…an injured one!" Kadaj shouted. His brothers just stood there.

"Pack up! We're moving to the base."

VvVvV

**Yuffie**: SsSsS!

**Aerith**: RrRrR!

A/N: Sorry it's taken so long to update. Writer's block, more scenarios, work and family. Hope u like this twist.

**Cloud**: (monotone) Oh golly gee willikers...a twist.

**Reeve**: I cannot wait to be dazzled and amazed by this incredible twist.

Did I misspell "Sensei"?.

**RedXIII**: No, you just completely misused it. A mysterious voice in your head is not automatically your mentor.

Thanx to all who have reviewed so far.

Chapter 5

Disclamer: Don't own FF7 AC….so don't sue.

**Reeve**: Please don't Sue, there is enough _Sue-ing_ in this story already.

CHAPTER 5

**Cid**: This just in - Chapter 5.

The next morning Sharon cautiously made her way back to the farm hoping to be able to follow the road back to town.

The brothers had finished packing the trucks and were getting ready to leave. So she hid till they took off.

Back in Edge she found the abandoned building she left her stuff. After cleaning up she decided she needed a stiff drink.

**RedXIII**: The twist is that she's an alcoholic.

Knowing she could get all the free drinks she wanted she went to the Black Rose. Her boss was happy to see her and talked her into working for a couple hours. That meant cash as she was tipped well for her special.

**Vincent**: Perhaps the twist is that she's a barmaid?

None of her coworkers mentioned a word about the slight scar on her side, which was something they were used to.

**Aerith**: Did they mention the fact that she's apparently not wearing a shirt, if they can see that scar?

That night a certain red-head came into the bar taking a stool near her dink section.

"5 beers for table 3, Shay." One of the waitresses said.

"Here you go May. Let me know when your ready to order, Reno."

**Reeve**: Advent Children: The Dinner Menu!

"Sure." He had been staring at the strippers. After a moment he turned around and stared.

She looked like any other 17 year old warrior, what with that dagger at her hip.

**Aerith**: A perfectly normal armed teenager tending bar in a strip club. They're a dime a dozen, really.

**Tifa**: And what's wrong with that? (shifty eyes)

**Vincent**: ...I did lend Marlene Quicksilver in case she ran into any problems.

**Barret**: (angry glare)

**Vincent**: ...what? She holds the high score at Duck Hunt.

**Reno**: The kid makes a mean Tequila Sunrise.

Her eyes literally glowed in the black lights that also illuminated her piercings.

What verified her identity to the turk was a set of fangs that slid out as she prepared her special.

**Tifa**: Oh, the twist is that the author reads Twilight!

And that's when it struck her.

**Cid**: She likes girls

**Sephiroth**: Well, that would explain her attraction to Yazoo.

"Reno!"

"Shayron! Wow, it's been a long time."

**Yuffie**: Yeah, I became a vampire ninja and added a "Y" to my name, it was more vampirey. You?

"Seven years. You want to get out of here?"

"Can you?"

She waved it off. "Just let me finish here. I'll meet you at the door."

**Cid**: ….wait...what just happened?

**Vincent**: I...I don't remember!

(err...The End, apparently.)

**Cloud**: But...what happened? Did he finish his drink? Did she meet him at the door? Will we ever know?

**Tifa**: (amnesia) Will we ever know what?

**Cloud**: (blank) ...I dunno. Were we watching something?

**Aeris**: Wait, what were we talking about?

**Reeve**: It's all fading away like a dream...a really bland dream, that you don't mind forgetting.

* * *

_Authors' Notes: Actually, this story really is this forgettable. We almost finished this MST a year and a half ago, and we completely forgot about it. It fermented in Googledocs for awhile until we rediscovered it by dumb luck one day. No joke, we clicked on it because we had no memory of riffing it._


	4. Insert Your Own Vincent Smell

_Here is this episode's drinking game, because reading this sober would destroy more brain cells than reading it under the influence:  
__Take a sip for Vincent every time he dies a little inside.  
__Take a shot every time the author's notes start YELLING AT THE AUDIENCE.  
__Finish your drink every time the "plot" jumps the rails with no explanation.  
__If you're the designated driver, again, drink every time someone acts in character.  
__Finally, if you have health insurance or live in a country with free health care and can afford to have your stomach pumped, drink every time you feel the urge to beat the Mary Sue to death with a claw hammer._

* * *

"**Happy Vincent Valentine's Day!" by, Blue Eyed Assasin**

Me: This is my tribute to the god of love himself.  
Vinny: Oh god...oh god...ohgod!

**Vincent**: Oh...God.

Jo hey so lets go i wanna go  
Me: you wanna get beaten up...okay.

**Tifa**: Who the hell is she talking to?

Okay I wrote this yet again at 3:39 in the Damn mornin

**RedXIII**: That's an oddly specific time.  
**Cid**: I can believe she wrote the whole thing in one minute.

No I DONOT own final fantasy VII or anything for that matter... COPYWRITES FOR THE POOR!

**Aerith**: How about proofreaders for the poor?

Anyways this is my VINNY VALENTINE SPECIAL... it is actually serious and for those who don't like me for not updatin i am sorry my com has had a 4week old Virus! OOOHHHH YEAH jo is mine!  
Vincent walked down the street toward the inn.

**Cloud**: Wait, are we still in the author's notes now?  
**Reeve**: Maybe this is the computer virus talking.

The wind blew against his face stinging as it carressed off his cheeck. Cold. That was all he ever felt since the fateful day Cloud strife had awoken him.

**Yuffie**: *Snrk* Wow, you're emo.  
**Vincent**: I'm not emo, I'm Byronic.

He was deep in thought about what to do know that meteor had been destroyed, maybe he would go back to the Shinra mansion.

**Vincent**: That might be best for one such as I...to dream again in that undying sleep, hearing with every restless hour the cries of the ones I loved and damned, their ruined lives chalked upon their slate of my soul as sins for which I can never atone...the dark of the crypt below the labs where my heart was torn from me...too much hope is the opposite of despair-  
**Cid**: Save it for your livejournal, Vince.  
**Yuffie**: Yeah, I stand by my last statement.

That is if it was still there. According to reeve the Turks had been having free for alls al around the world.

**Reno**: What? You would too if you had a helicopter and a rich boss.  
**Tseng**: We did leave part of the stairs intact... sort of...enough to walk on. Kind of.

He was suddenly brought out of this thought by the sound of someone bieng slammed into a metal fence. "LGod please no" he heard a faint plea it was a girl and from the pitch of her voice couldn't be older than 18.

**Cloud**: Please, LGod, don't let this be our main character.

Vincent turned into the alley way where he heard the sounds. He saw a man in his late 30's early 40's holding the girl by her neck a gun in his hand. The girl was in pretty bad shape her arm was dripping with blood her lip was bleeding and her face was all bruised and cut.

**Tseng**: Pffft...sounds like the tamest of Turk training, so what?

"Why, so you can live you stupid bitch"

**Tifa**: ….Yeah, that's sort of the reason for not wanting to die. I assumed that would have been obvious.  
**Aerith**: I wish I were still dead.  
**Sephiroth**: That can be arranged.

….the man replied to the girls plea and backhanded her across the face. Vincent casually strolled out from the shadows and stood a perfect shot away from the man.

**Cid**: Hell with that, just snipe him from the fuckin' roof.  
**Vincent**: I can't, it's not a cut scene.

"What the hell do you want?" asked the man acting all high and mighty as he through the redhead to the ground. "Yes actually I would like you to leave this young lady alone" Vincent in a cocky voice he had obviously picked up from Cloud.

**Vincent**: (wince) LGod, my dignity...

"no don't" the gil squeeked.

**Cloud**: Wow, the money talks?  
**Reno**: Forget the domestic dispute, just grab the talking coins, yo!

The man belted her across the side of her face with the gun. "Shut up bitch!" He yelled "or do you want me to shoot you know" The girl bit her lip. "Whats wrong with a man dicaplining his daughter"

**Reno**: Dicaplining? Anything like busting a cap in her ass, yo?

Vincent felt a peirce in his heart the same feeling he felt when he heard of Lucrecia's fate only not as strong.

**Cid**: It was like when Hojo started spanking Lucretia...what?  
**Vincent**: (clicks the safety off)

Vincent had seen the girl before at the Inn she seemed fearless almost cold but he could see know she was just hiding the harsh reality she faced every day.

**Aerith**: He could sense the waves of emo coming off the Mary Sue.  
**Cid**: His vampy senses were tingling... excuse me, sparkling.

How could anyone treat their own children like that? he asked himself . The man lifted his gun to meet the girls face "open"he said calmly "I said open your damn mouth!" He yelled again this time she obeyed. He slid his gun into her mouth.

**Reno**: ….*snrk...pffft*!  
**Tifa**: ...wow.  
**Reeve**: Well, Freud was right.

It was obvious she was petrified know like noone was there to stop what was happening. Hot tears drizzled down the side of her face. The man tightened the grip on the trigger the girl closed her eyes. She was ready for death. Vincent pulled out Death penalty.

**Reno**: Wow, he's gonna shoot her himself, yo?  
**Tifa**: Well, she said she was ready.  
**Barrett**: Finally, we get the end we've been prayin' for in all these stories.

Shots rang out through the air 3 shots were fired.

**Yuffie**: Bang, bang, bang, on the door, baby!

The girl oened her eyes. She looked over and saw her father on the ground dead to bullets embedded in his chest. But the third where was it? She looked down and saw it in her leg.

**Cloud**: Wow, you actually _did _shoot the girl?  
**Vincent**: No... If I had, I wouldn't have missed all the major arteries.

Vincent walked over to the girl. He knelt down infront of the girl trying to assess her wounds but as soon as he came within arms reach she couldn't help herself she wrapped her arms around his neck and cried into his shoulder.

**Tifa**: Yes, hug the armed killer in the dark alleyway.  
**Aerith**: I instantly trust you, gun-wielding murderer!

Vincent was just a little shocked at this out burst but he could understand why she did it.

**Tseng**: Wonderful - can you explain it to me?

"Can you walk?" he asked her. his tone ws soft and coaxing it made hher trust him imediatly.

**RedXIII**: Did that computer virus eat some of her letters?

"No i can't" she replied her voice was as soft as silk. Vincent scooped up the girl and began to walk out of the alley way. "I am gonna take you somewhere to get treated okay?" he asked her .

**Tifa**: Great, drop her at a free clinic so we can get on with some real stories.

She mumbled a reply and pulled herself closer to Vincent. His scent was so good it smelt like her favorite cologne she couldn't remember what it was called but she loved it.(A/N: SORRY I COULDN'T THINK OF A GOOD SMELL FOR VINCENT BUT REPLACE IT WITH YOUR OWN FAVE SMELL... I LIKE AFTER SHAVE)

**All**: …...

**Tifa**: Okay, everybody insert your own Vincent smell!

**Reno**: Leather, sweat, and blood.  
**Aerith**: Cinnamon, newly laundered sheets, incense?  
**Sephiroth**: This is the weirdest choose-your-own-adventure I've ever read.  
**Cid**: Hot steel, pepper steak, and kerosene.  
**Vincent**: Stop...stop smelling me.

"are you cold?" vincent asked the girl. "Just a bit i feel damp" she told him...

**Yuffie**: Tee hee hee, I'm sure she did.

...and Vincent noticed her white shirt ws staind red and almost dripping with blood.

**Vincent**: But I only shot her in the leg.

Vincent took one of his hands and unclasped his clouck and wrapped it around the girl. "Your name is Jo right?" he asked her he had heard the barmaids and people at the inn call her that. "Yes" she said "What is yours?" She asked him. "Vincent Valentine" he replied. she let out a bit of a giggle. "Whats so funny?" he asked her. "It's just that today is well it Valentines day." Vincent let out a bit of a smile.

**Cid**: Hehehehe.  
**Vincent**: Shut up.  
**Tifa**: Should we get you some flowers and candy?  
**Vincent**: It's going to be the Valentine's Day Massacre if you don't shut up.

They aproached the Inn. Vincent walked up the stairs with the girl in his arms. He knocked on the door with his elbow and Cloud came to the door "Why didn't you just let yourself in?"

**Cloud**: Yeah, he usually creeps in through the window, and once through the chimney. Marlene thought he was Santa.

...he asked and looked up with a simple "oh" and let him in. Vincent put the Girl in his bed. and began pulling off her jacket "Yo Vince what are you-"

**RedXIII**: When are you going to eat that?  
**Vincent**: Too sugary for me. Help yourself.  
**Cid**: Aw fuck, that bitch'll make you diabetic!

Vincent shot Cid a look and he shut up. He finished pulling of the jacket by know she had passed out either from bloodloss or pain. She had been shot three times and had a large gash under her eye from where she was struck with the gun.

**Cloud**: Vincent got in a little target practice on the way to the Inn.

Vincent got the first aide kit and begen attending to her wounds. He was about to leave when Cid stopped him at the doorway. "You can't leave her with that bloodied shirt on" he said

**Reno**: Subtle, yo. I'll have to try that next time I want to get a girl out of her clothes.  
**Tseng**: I'd rather you just kept paying them.

"but i can't-" Vincent tried to give an explanation "its okay Vince i got it" Tifa said with a sweet smile "i'll lend her one of my shirts"

**Cloud**: *Snrk* Why bother?

-LATER-

" so whats the deal with this girl Vince?" Cloud asked after Tifa came back. "She was getting beaten up by her father in an alleyway i overheard while walking back here and he was about to shoot her" he explained

**Cloud**: (eyebrow) I was kidding about Vincent's being the one who shot her, but if her father really didn't shoot her, then...  
**Cid**: Then Vincent should finish the fucking job!

"i couldn't just leave her Could I?" He asked his friends.

**Aerith**: It might have been kinder than riddling her with bullets.

"Why don't we ask her more when she starts to feel better?" Yuffie suggested. "Yeah I guess so" Vincent said in reply. "Why don't we go to bed?" Red XII suggested.

**Red XIII**: "Red Twelve"? I've been demoted.

Everyone agreed. But there was one problem, only Tifa seemed to realise this. "ummmm where is Vincent gonna sleep?" she asked.

**Vincent**: I slept enough for thirty years...tormented by visions of loss-

"I am not tired i don't think I'm gonna go to bed tonight." he told her

**Vincent**: (sighs) Or you could put it like that.

It was a big lie and Tifa knew it but she really didn't want or know how to argue with Vincent.

**Aerith**: I think the real question here is, what does Vincent smell like?

Once everyone was asleep Vincent let out a yawn and walked out the door. he wanted to go see what happened to the girl's father.

**Reno**: Uh, you shot him, yo? He died?  
**Tseng**: He must poke him with a stick to verify the death.

Vincent walked down the streets. He began to think to were they going to do after tomorrow?

**Cloud**: Think to were...were they to going to...what? When?

were they all just going to walk away almost like nothing had happened?

**Tifa**: Well, let's see, I'm going back to a burnt-out slum to serve beer to shell-shocked survivors...  
**Barrett**: I'm drillin' for oil, 'cause fuel made from dead bodies is better than fuel made from dead souls...  
**Cid**: I'm just waiting around to be used as a goddamn taxi service...  
**Vincent**: I must atone...eventually...  
**Reno**: And we're playing bodyguards for a crippled boss in rehab. Y'know, in between our globetrotting free-for-alls.

If they were he couldn't do it he couldn't go back to the dark not alone...not again. Caitsith had already left Reno was there to get it when they left the crater. And the girl what about her? What were they going to do with somone who would obviously need some comfort after last nights ordeal.

**Cid**: Right..."comfort."  
**Cloud**: Shirtless, vulnerable "comfort."  
**Vincent**: I'm sleeping on the roof rather than be near her. This should tell you something.

Maybe he thought maybe she could stay with him, that is if she wanted to. He felt hopeful. A smile crossed his face he couldn't help but be happy if things turned out. But if they didn't... than what? He pirched himself against a wall tilted his head down and closed his eyes deep in thought.

Vincent was disturbed by the sound of a bird chirping.

**Cloud**: So he shot it.

he slowly opened his eyes to see the sun rising. What had seemed only an hour. Had been all night. he began to walk back to the Inn.

**Cid**: He could only. Speak. Like William Shatner.

When he got back into the room he found Jo in the kitchen with Tifa taking an advil massaging her head with her good arm. She looked at Vincent when he walked in. Her checks began to go a pinkish colour. She began to speak "Vincent may i please talk to you alone?" she asked and began to walk into the bedroom.

**Yuffie**: Bow-chicka-bow-wow...

Tifa eyed Vincent as he followed a look of confusion in her eyes.

"ummm I just wanted to say thanks" "It wasn't a problem. If you want to talkabout anything we can" he said comforting her.

**Cid**: And suddenly, Vincent became Dr. Fucking Phil.

His voice was smoothe and tender and made her heart feel light and fluffy. "He hated me because my mother died while giving birth to me" she told him

**Cloud**: But he's dead now, so we can move on.

"He worked for the turks and had to quit to stay with me."

**Tseng**: You don't quit the Turks.  
**Reno**: Hey, I decided I want to leave the organization, can you tell me the way to the exit?  
**Vincent**: Certainly - it's through the hole I just shot through your head.  
**Tseng**: Hehehe...classic.

tears had begun to swelll in her eyes. "after that nothing i did was right. I did all the chores but they weren't done right. I got a's he wanted A plusses even got a job to support us. It didn't matter no matter how hard i tried i would always be his burden to bear...

**Tifa**: Except that he is dead, so get over it.

...Yesterrday was my birthday I turned 18 the legal age so that i could leave. I told him I was leaving he didn't care or so I thought anyway" By know tears were freely drizzling down her face. "He followed me and jumped me in the alleyway." she began to gaze past Vincent past the wall into nothing. "I don't get it though, why was i punished for relieving somebody"

**Cid**: He's dead! Passed on! Ceased to be!  
**Aerith**: He has gone to meet his maker!  
**Reeve**: Bereft of life, he rests in peace!  
**Tifa**: If he wasn't buried beneath cement and rubble he'd be pushing up daisies!  
**Sephiroth**: He's kicked the bucket, shuffled off this mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleeding choir invisible!  
**Vincent**: This...is an ex-dickhead!

She began to breackdown. HE embraced her. His arms protecting her from the ruthless reality surrounding her. She closed her eyes and pulled herself closer to his chest she let out a sigh. "Can i stay with you?" she asked him "I don't want to be alone anymore"

**Vincent**: No.

"Of course you can" he told her.

**Vincent**: Aargh!

After they met up and talked to Reeve about the future of Midigar and ShinraCid was piloting everyone to there destinations.

**Tseng**: ShinraCid? Any relation of yours?  
**Cid**: Yeah, he's my parallel universe self from Midigar.

Vincent and Jo decided they would stop by the gold saucer first. Jo had begged Vincent the whole way there. He said yes almost on impulse he was actually planning on going himself.

**Vincent**: (buries his head in his hand and gauntlet)  
**Red XIII**: Thus perished Vincent's dignity.  
**Cloud**: They all claim to love us for our lonely, tragic badassery, so why do they have to tear it all down every time they write us?  
**Sephiroth**: Because fangirls cannot create...they can only destroy.

Everyone seemed really happy for the two. Jo tried racing chocobos she wasn't half bad either.

**Cloud**: Well, that's how I got Tifa to like me, letting her ride my gigantic blond cock.  
**Tifa**: *punch*  
**Cid**: Wait, you let me ride your Chocobo too...

"I love it here!" she told Vincent after picking up the money for her won race. "I overheard people talking about the battledome doing pairs fighting."

**Tifa**: Really? I heard about a teenage girl rewriting the laws of reality to fit her own romantic fantasies.

Vincent told her "then lets go!" she yelled.

**Yuffie**: Woah, where'd the Rule 63 come from?

They signed up and Jo pulled out her materia. "How ar eyou going to fight?" vincent asked her "I'm a white mage"she said in reply.

**Reno**: What the fuck's a white mage?  
**Tifa**: I read about those in history class...they used to accompany fighters and thieves and healed them after fighting for a princess' freedom in return for an honorary bridge and a lute.

**Reno**: Huh, kinda sounds like a shitty video game.

"I doo fight sometimes though"

**Cloud**: Oh, she does fight? Beware of her useless mallet that no sane party resorts to unless they already know they're going to die.

Vincent and Jo began to fight at first they were facing small miniscule enemies like toads, griffons, those wolf things that you see in the arctic.

**Cid**: What, you mean _wolves?  
_**Sephiroth**: May they meet their doom with an exploding penguin.

Even the Midigar Zolum was easy to beat. Vincents blood was boiling Chaos was overpowering finally he couldn't hol it in anymore. Jo stood there dumbstruck for a few moments "Holy crap" she said in shock. Vincent totalled the snake and they beat their eight oponents.

They were staying in the haunted Inn and they were up in their room. Vincent walked in from the kitchen and joe came out of nowhere and kissed him.

**Cid**: Huh, she's taking the whole "transformed into a demon and ripped the liver and lights out of a thirty-foot-tall swamp snake" thing pretty damn well.

Her lips felt like warm pillows against his. She embraced him and he embraced her.

**Reno**: Whoa, embracing, yo? Hope they used protection!  
**Tseng**: Virgin alert.  
**Tifa**: It's really steaming up now! We have full-blown hugging action!

"I love you" she whispered to him. "I love you too"

**Cid**: Ohhh I looooove you! (obnoxious batting of eyelashes)  
**Vincent**: Love? What a fag...

~END~

Jo: More I want more oooh oooohhh and toung action!

Vincent: HHHHHMMMMM

Me: you'll just have to wait tell next Valentines day hahahahha anyways next year i think I'lll lean mort to KH or advent c. For all those who are wonderin why i haven't updated...my comp hates me and i no longer have ms word!i will update sooon and R&R If not I won't be able to make anymore fics cause no one will revue me!

**RedXIII**: What's a toung?  
**Vincent**: Why am I humming?  
**Tseng**: Why does she need a revue to keep writing?  
**Aerith**: Why would anyone want her to update?

KAY SO AFTER ABOUT A MONTH OF SAD WRITERS BLOCK AND WATCHING ROMEO AND JULIET I THINK I AM GONNA ATTEMPT I REPEAT ATTEMPT ANOTHER CHAPTER.

**Vincent**: No...  
**Aerith**: She took inspiration from Romeo and Juliet?  
**Tseng**: That means she'll die, right?  
**Cid**: Not until after Vincent kills himself.  
**Vincent**: If only that were possible.

OH AND NO I DO NOT OWN FF7 BUT I DO OWN HELLCAT AND JO SO THERE MWAHAHAHA SRY FOR NOT UPDATIN EARLIER I HAD TO START MY SONGFIC FOR SEPHY!

**Sephiroth**: Her what, for whom?  
**Vincent**: Luckily for you, we seem to have skipped that one.

Joe looked out the window at the large courtyard.

**Cid**: (singing) Heyyy, Joe, where you going with that gun in your hand...

Her and Vincent had arrived at the mansion just earlier that day and they had already begun work on the basement. They were shredding every document on where Jenova was found and how the cells were put into the hosts.

**Sephiroth**: ! WHY?  
**Reeve**: It's not like that information could ever be important or useful, like, say, if a plague of Jenova cells starts killing off all our orphans...

It also seemed to her that Vincent was also looking for something. She already knew about Hojo and Lucretia and everything that happened to him when he was a Turk after the match at the battle arena when he turned into chaos.

**Aerith**: Wow... she's certainly an insightful one.  
**Cloud**: Yeah, most of us needed an entire Vincent-centric spinoff game, and truckloads of supplementary materials, to figure it out.  
**Yuffie**: I still don't get it.

"Lunch is ready" he called to her from in the other room. They had decided to take a break and eat before they kept going. She had asked if he needed any assistance in the kitchen but he assured her that he could do it and to just relax.

**Vincent**: Then I escaped through the kitchen window and spent the next two years hiding in the Forgotten City, waiting for the real plot to find me.

She took a deep breath and closed the window and left into the kitchen. She was at the bottom of the stairs watching Vincent with slight amusement as he put spices into the soup he was making.

**Cid**: Spices? Yeah, I guess cyanide is kinda spicy...

She had never really seen Vincent as a cook but then again he said ever since he could remember he lived alone so she guessed that it would only make sense.

**Tseng**: Except for the time he remembered living with Lucretia as her body guard... and his time as a Turk... and that time with his family... One could argue that those voices in his head are other people as well.

She closed her eyes for a second at the dizzy spell that suddenly came over her. Just then she had what you could call a vision I suppose. She was standing in the middle of a ruined city there was fire everywhere it looked a lot like Kalm.

**Reeve**: Except for the "on fire" part.

She turned quickly to see to figures shadowed standing on high spots in the ruble.

**Sephiroth**: They were standing in a pile of Russian coins?

One of them had silver hair. "Sephiroth" she thought. The other figure seemed totally in human it was female, you could tell by the shape but it seemed it was genetically modified or altered in some way. It had cat ears and a log whip like tail.

**RedXIII**: A log whip? Sounds awkward.

She focused in between them to see what they were looming over and she saw Vincent face down a pool of blood around him. He was covered in bruises and cuts. She ran to be with him but a pillar of fire surrounded him.

**Tseng**: Spontaneous psychic powers - when you just can't be bothered to write plot transitions.

Her eyes shot open as she took a heavy breath.

"Are you alright" Vincent asked concerned. "You just passed out on the bottom of the stairs"

**Yuffie**: It would have been funnier if she had passed out at the top of the stairs.

She looked around. She was in the master bedroom with a cloth over her forehead.

**Aerith**: Ah, the cure-all powers of the wet washcloth.

She shot up and looked at Vincent the fear in her eyes was disturbing. Her green eyes glowed un-naturally and darted around the room.

"They're coming"

"Who's coming"?

**Tseng**: The British.

"Sephiroth and... who was it" She ran a hand through her hair as she tried hard to remember.

**Reno**: It was Catwoman.  
**RedXIII**: With a log for a tail.

"That's impossible we defeated him he is dead" Vincent said almost in a panic.

**Vincent**: What does that matter? I was dead for awhile.  
**Cloud**: So was I.  
**Sephiroth**: I have season tickets to death.

"Un less the life stream heeled him rather than killing him" She said as she looked at Vincent. "The life stream spared Aeris who's to say that it wouldn't spare him."

**Aerith**: Umm...really? Because I still ended up kind of dead.  
**Reeve**: So how are you here now?  
**Aerith**: By the power of plotholes.

"I have to call Cloud" Vincent went to get up before he slumped back down a confused look on his face. "How do you know for sure?" he asked her trying his best to look sincere and not judgemental.

"It happened a couple of times before, on other occasions with... HELLCAT

**Tseng**: er...bless you?

...that's who was with Sephiroth" she said.

"Hellcat?" Vincent asked just slightly confused by all of this.

**All**: _Slightly_?

"She's a demon that I released a couple of years ago"

"Wait, you realized a demon?" he asked her.

**Tifa**: When she realized it was a demon, it was too late.  
**Vincent**: Can you tell me how to release mine?

"It's really hard to explain but I was sure I put her back"

**Aerith**: How many times do I have to tell you, don't leave your demons lying around when you're done playing with them?

"What if Sephiroth knew something and released her?" Vincent asked.

Jo got a strange look on her face like she knew something but was contemplating weather to tell him or not.

**Vincent**: Stop contemplating the weather and explain yourself!

"I'm gonna go call Cloud" Vincent said.

Just as Vincent neared the phone it rang. He picked up to hear a distressed Cloud on the other line.

"Vincent?"

"Cloud is that you?"

"Vincent, Tifa she's... dead"

**Cloud**: Linguo...dead?  
**Tseng**: Linguo _is_ deaaaaad...

"What? How?"

**Tifa**: And why? The mary sue already "has" Vincent, why does she need to kill me off?

"He's back. Sephiroth he's back he and someone else they killed Tifa I came back and she was dead at the bar. I saw him and some girl bolt out of the window"

**Aerith**: For the last time, where are the Phoenix Downs?

Jo came down the stairs to hear the whole conversation. Well, Vincent's side anyhow.

"If that's the case then we're gonna need everybody here ASAP" Jo interrupted. "Tell Cloud to get everyone here now," she said.

**Sephiroth**: How does she know that? From where she's standing, all she heard was "Hello" and "What?"

***************CLOUDS POV FROM WHEN HE FINDS TIF******************

I walked down the streets of Kalm it was raining pretty hard. I was heading back home after training in the greenlands.

**Cloud**: Level 8 muggers are a great way to keep my level 99 skills in shape.

Me and Tifa moved to Kalm to avoid some bad memories that still harbored in Midigar. I could have sworn I saw some strange figures watching me but it was probably my eyes playing tricks on me.

**Cloud**: My years of training and augmented senses did not in any way alert me to possible threats.

I swung open the door to the bar. It stopped part way. Something was in the way. I saw a red liquid pouring out from under the door. I prayed to the ancients that it wasn't what I knew it was.

**Tifa**: Six months ago you didn't know what the Ancients were.  
**Aerith**: And now he seems to think they're gods, so...I guess he still doesn't know.  
**Reeve**: It's like Luke Skywalker going from not knowing what the Force was, to preaching it like a fanatic. Except less cool and more wrong.  
**Sephiroth**: Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid.

I couldn't bare to lose another person I loved. I slid in between the small crack between the door and the wall to see Tifa lying on the ground with cuts all over her body. I looked up at the window and saw some red and black drift by. I turned Tifa over to see that she had to have been attacked without warning. She still had the sorry We're closed sign in her hands. It was weird the style that she had been killed was the same style that Sephiroth used...

**Sephiroth**: Pfah. That's not my style. I would have stayed to revel in Cloud's mortal anguish as his world crumbled beneath him, destroying his willpower and seducing him gradually to follow and serve me.  
**Reno**: ...Sounds like fun.

...and the same as chaos...Vincent.

**Tifa**: All three of them? So I was impaled, shot, _and _mauled?  
**Tseng**: That's what we refer to as 'overkill.'

Would he do this? No he wouldn't.

**Yuffie**: Can we fix it?  
**Aerith**: Yes we can!

I try to tell myself this as I call him. I'm on the highwind know with the rest of the Ex- Avalenche members all except for Tifa and Vincent.

**Tifa**: Because Vincent is on the phone and I am dead.

*****************************General pov*********************************

**Reno**: Whoa, that's like a 37-star general.

Very one had arrived at the mansion and they were in the oversized living room.

"What's going on?" Yuffie asked apparently no one had told her what had happened. Apparently Cloud hadn't told either of them what had happened.

"Well" Vincent began with a breath "Apparently Sephiroth is still alive and he has a new accomplice."

"$#!% that's impossible!" Cid yelled.

**RedXIII**: You actually do shout in punctuation marks?  
**Tseng**: You look like Beetle Bailey when you do that.

"Where's Tifa?" Yuffie said when she realized that her friend was not present.

Apparently Cloud hasn't told them that either Vincent thought to himself. There was a loud silence. Before Cloud began to speak. His voice was strangely different. It was softer full of regret and sorrow.

"Tifa is dead" He said un able to hold in the tears that streamed down his eyes. Barret finally stood up and grabbed him by the collar and lifted him of the ground in fury.

**Cloud**: Hm. This is surprisingly compelling and in-character.

"You stupid bastard!" He yelled. "What the f*** did you do to her! You said you would protect her! I guess you can't protect anyone you love!" Everyone knew what he meant when he said that. He meant Aeris.

**Cid**: Ooohh, too soon, man.

Angrily Barret through Cloud on the ground he waited for Cloud to get up before hitting him with his gun arm. Cloud flew back before hitting the ground with a loud thump. Everyone watched in bewilderment Cloud never took this kind of punishment. He must really have felt guilty.

**Sephiroth**: You must be enjoying this, Cloud.

Barret walked over to hit Cloud once again before Jo stepped in front of him and put her arms out to protect the older man.

**Reno**: Well, that pretty much fucks the drama up the ass, back to your regularly scheduled Sue.

"That's enough! It's my fault that Tifa is dead and that Hell Cat is out and about on another killing spree.

**Cloud**: How do I know about Hellcat? Two minutes ago I thought Vincent was the other suspect.  
**Tifa**: Because a character known as "Hellcat" is so generic it's easy to guess she was responsible?

The life stream decided to revive Sephiroth and God only knows what he had planned." Barret turned around and sat down in a flump.

**Tifa**: I feel strangely honoured that my pointless death could inspire the story's single scene of decent writing.

Jo turned around and reached her hand out to Cloud who took it shakily before sitting back down.

Once everything settled down the questioning began.

"So, who is Hell cat anyway?" Caitsith asked.

**Reno**: (as Cait Sith) Can I have her number?  
**Reeve**: No, the pink mog was the only love in my er... his life.

"The first thing you have to understand is I'm not from here" she said a bit of hesitation in her voice. Everyone looked at her with confusion and she spoke again trying to clarify things.

"I'm from a different reality an Alternate Reality if you will...

**Cid**: Oh, fuck me with a chainsaw, here we fucken go. Bring on the crazy.  
**Vincent**: Abandon plot, all ye who enter here.

... I was born there and something happened and my mother took me here using her magic. What happened according to my mother was the world plummeted into darkness and the pits of hell opened releasing all the demons inside.

**Cloud**: When did we get into the script for _Constantine_?

There was a great war between the angels and the demons humans were caught in the middle and when my mother created a portal...

**Yuffie**: Holy crap, her mother was Chell?

….to escape one of the demons managed to get through.

**Vincent**: Remember last chapter, when her mother died in childbirth and her father was an ex-Turk? What happened to that?

The time compression left it too weak to attack immediately so it waited 14 years and attacked. As a guardian herself my mother attempted to protect me from it and decided not to tell me. She had no idea thatot we would be attacked.

**Tseng**: I'm sure that rogue demon that followed me through a gate from the planes of Hell will _never _come up again.

So, when I was 14 it attacked my mother had no magical essence from making the portal. I tried my best to seal it in a cave using magical seals but some one or something released it."

**Cloud**: Okay, we're officially in a different story now. Did that computer virus somehow mix and match her documents?

By know she was looking at the floor ashamed. She lifted her head up for a minute "unless she learned how to counter the seals."

"So wait a second let me get this straight. You fought this thing four years ago and know its back.

**RedXIII**: Now! Now!The word is now! There is no 'k' in the word 'now'!

So where's your mom maybe she can help us figure this out?" Yuffie suggested.

"She was killed in the battle"

Every one decided they should sleep on it before deciding what to do.

**Barrett**: Fuck it, this makes no sense, lets go to bed.

Jo went out onto the balcony to take a couple of breaths of fresh air. It was about 2:30 in the morning and she couldn't sleep due to her excellent sleep earlier.

**Tseng**: You mean when she passed out on the stairs?

She saw Cloud had beaten her there. She stepped out and looked ahead of her it was a beautiful night. She went and stood beside him leaning over the balcony.

She let out a sigh before she spoke. "I'm sorry," she said as she looked at Cloud. He looked into her eyes his blue ones shone unnaturally in the night as did hers just because of what she was.

"For what?" he asked back small look of confusion on his face.

"For not being able to harness my power fully, for that you paid for it dearly."

"It's not your fault you were young and you didn't know anything about your past. But I have two questions for you"

**Cid**: One - Why the hell did they cancel Firefly?  
**Aerith**: And two - what does Vincent smell like?

"mmm?"

"Well Vincent said that when he met you your father was beating you up but if you're an angel than doesn't that mean that in the long run you could have defended yourself?"

**Tseng**: So...this _is _the same story? But then how...why...what?  
**Reno**: Shit, man. This makes even less sense than how you survived the Temple of the Ancients, boss.  
**Barrett**: Wait, when did she say she was an angel?  
**Cid**: So maybe Vincent did kill her.

"No, as an angel I can only use my powers to destroy evil things or help good things."

"And you didn't see him as an evil threat?"

"A threat yes. Evil, no just very very confused"

"Was your father an angel too?...

**Sephiroth**: The angel of child abuse?

...Because in there" he gestured to the house as he did this "you said that only your mother and Hell cat went through the portal."

**Cloud**: No! Stop trying to tie it together! You're only making it worse!

She let out a bit of a laugh "hm, well you seem to be the only one to have caught on. My father was from Wutai."

"Oh"

**Tifa**: This makes even less sense than Reeve infiltrating our group with a Scottish robotic cat riding a mog.

"Listen, we really need to figure out how we're going to approach this" her voice became more direct and straightforward rather than coaxing.

"I know you're upset about Tifa but you can't go rushing into things. That's just what they want."

"You act like you've known them your whole lives"

**Vincent**: How many lives does she have?  
**Aerith**: At least nine, though Jostar may have lost some to Shadowclan.  
**Reeve**: A Warrior Cats joke, really? I thought our references were esoteric enough to begin with.  
**Cid**: It all makes sense now - the Mary Sue _is _Hellcat!  
**Tifa**: That would actually be an impressive twist.  
**Tseng**: Which means it won't happen in this story.

"Hell cat pulled the same thing on me and that's why my mom died. Not only did it cause me to jump in without thought it also caused a lot of hatred between me and my father. That's just the way she operates"

"And what about Sephiroth? I've known him my whole life and he would probably jump in first."

**Sephiroth**: ...No, no you haven't. You've met me in person, what, three times? Before Nibelheim I couldn't have picked you out of a lineup.  
**Aerith**: Oh great, he still thinks he's Zack in this story.

"I'm just saying wait till you're sure you know what you're getting yourself into before you go. I saw your bag packed and everything ready for you to leave. I also saw the note and the phs attached to it."

Cloud sighed and let out a chuckle. "I take it you've picked up on Vincent's observant skills."

**Reeve**: Yes, you can learn so much from watching him make soup.  
**Yuffie**: But we never resolved the real question - what does Vincent smell like?  
**Vincent**: Stop!

"Nah, I've always been like this. But I'm serious don't leave before figuring things out. In spite of Barret's actions you must understand that it is not our intention to point fingers at you"

"Thanks" he replied and faced her once more.

"Your welcome" she said and embraced him in a friendly hug.

While this whole conversation was going on Vincent was watching from the doorway of Jo's room. He did feel a bit guilty about eves dropping but he wanted to make sure that she won't blaming herself for anything. When she spoke in the living room she sounded like she was blaming herself for Tifa's death.

**Cloud**: You mean when she said "It's all my fault," that sounded like blame?

That was something Vincent couldn't let happen. After living like that for over 30 years himself he knew how crappy it made you feel and he wasn't about to let some one as lively as her to do that.

**Tifa**: "Crappy" ...the understatement of the century.  
**Vincent**: Thirty years of nightmare in a crypt below the labs where my heart was torn from my chest, figuratively and literally, condemned to walk the earth undying in a hopeless search for redemption for the lives I doomed to hell...because I felt "crappy."

Suddenly he felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned around abruptly to find Cid there. Cid peeked over Vincent's shoulder and began to whisper...

**Aerith**: Sweet nothings in his ear.

...so that he didn't attract the attention of the two on the balcony.

"So" Cid began. "We're gonna have to give her the full show down on Psycho Boy huh?"

**Barret**: Which one? Cloud or Sephiroth?  
**Reno**: This plot makes even less sense than the Zelda timeline, yo!  
**Sephiroth**: No! Don't mention the Zel- (theatre implodes)

YAY CLIFF HANGER MWAHAHAHAHHAWELL THAR SHE BLOWS CHAPTER TWO. NOT A LOT OF LUVN FOR A LOVE STORY BUT HEY THAT'S ALRIGHT HATS OKAY... I'M GONNA PUMP MY GAS SOMEDAY! WELL THAT'S THAT FOR THIS KNOW JUST TO ADD A CHAPTER TO MY OTHER STORIES OH AND WHEN YOU REVIEW THAT IS IF YOU REVIEW WICH I HOPE YOU WILL...I'LL EVEN TAKE FLAMERS PLZ PLZ PLZ ASK A Q TO RENO SEPHY VINNIE CLOUD IRVINE ZELL REEVE OR RUFUS CUZ I REALLY NEED SOME MORE FOR THE NEXT CHAPPIE OF NEWSROOM!

* * *

**Sephiroth**: ….._WHAT_?!

_MSTers' Note: During the writing of this review, the authors' web browsers crashed multiple times while the story was onscreen and refused to restart._

_That's right - this is fanfiction so bad, even our computers don't want to read it._

_MSTers' Note #2: For bonus points, try to spot the Warrior Cats, Boondock Saints, and Jimi Hendrix references in this story. Find them all, and you get ...the knowledge that you're very well-read. Good for you._


	5. Immortal Kombat

_This fanfiction's drinking game..._

_Take a sip every time the characters defy gravity.  
__Take a drink every time the story mentions Sephiroth being "inside" someone. (Double points if the reference actually is about sex, for once.)  
__Drink a toast to the author, Jdee, every time you stop and realize, "Holy fuck, this fight scene is actually awesome!"  
__D__rink to the kink: Take a shot every time you spot a new kink or fetish.  
__If this story is so great you want to die after reading it, drink to all the gayness. All of it. (then again, this will kill you for most of our reviews)  
__If you have to stay sober and haul your friends' corpses to an undisclosed location later, then drink every time the laws of physics are obeyed._

* * *

**Immortal Kombat**

**Rufus**: Wait wait, before you start, I need to read the story's summary to you as this is the eighth chapter in.  
**Reno: **Heh, why? Too busy wanking to it to send it earlier?  
**Rufus**: Silence! I'll start with the pre-existing intro.  
**Aeris**: Dungeonmaster Rufus will now read the campaign backstory.  
**Rufus**: *Ahem* … Alive and well, Zack has returned… but he's not alone. Hojo's experiments on him have caused some schizophrenic side effects that even Zack doesn't realise. Sephiroth and Jenova are alive and well… inside him, plotting their return and destruction of the planet. Again. Will Cloud be able to kill Sephiroth again when he's housed inside the body of his best friend and mentor who doesn't even know what's going on?  
**Cloud**: Really? Doesn't our game have enough mental illnesses? Writers actually feel the need to add in more?  
**Rufus**: Anyway... the story is basically about Sephiroth possessing Zack and gathering energy for Jenova via sex vampirism.  
**Sephiroth**: Damn, why didn't I think of that?  
**Rufus**: So far, Zack has been oblivious to all this and has raped Reno, Tseng, and Cloud without realizing it. Also, Sephiroth can manifest himself through Zack's body, but posed as Zack to take advantage of Cloud for added mindfuckery; ravaging him against the wall in Aeris' church. A delightful read all around, enjoy!  
**Zack**: ….wait, _what_?

* * *

_**Revival of the Departed: Chapter 8-9 (selected portions)**_

**By, J'dee**

Lost in his own thoughts Cloud had missed most of Zack and Reno's background banter, as he sipped on the hot drink in the flask Tifa had brought round for them earlier.

**Tifa**: Caffeine, protein, and about 70% alcohol. I figured you were going to need it.

Flipping out his cellphone he looked at the time. Vincent was late. Granted the man had all eternity to live he was very rarely late. Which meant that there was something Vincent was searching to bring with him, the question was what?

**Vincent**: Guns. Lots of guns.

Cloud turned in time to see Zack yawning. That was never a good sign. They had to be on edge when Zack slept.

**Cloud**: Because apparently he rape-walked.

"So how much longer yo?… these ropes are chaffing." Reno asked.

**Reno**: Hey! This is off to a good start, yo.

"Hopefully not much longer I'd like to get some sleep." Zack rolled his shoulders.

Cloud was impressed. Zack was normally tired according to Reno after Jenova took over. But for some reason he had lasted most of the day. It was just past two am and the former SOLDIER was still awake.

Cloud just shrugged. "I'm not sure-" He stopped looking up seeing the flash of red in the rafters before the immortal descended landing in front of Cloud.

**Cloud**: Can you ever make a normal entrance?  
**Vincent**: With this cloak?

"Sorry about the wait." Vincent stated. He held under his arm a single book.

"It's fine. What did you find out?" Cloud asked.

**Vincent**: I found out that the local library has a surprisingly extensive section on mad science.

Vincent's face was serious. "There is more than Jenova housed inside of Zack." His voice was quiet so only Cloud could hear.

**Zack**: Hey! That's really rude, guys.

Cloud looked in to Vincent's red eyes. "Meaning?"

"Sephiroth." Vincent stated turning round walking up the church isle towards Zack.

Cloud froze staring at the back of Vincent's cape as he walked. Several thoughts flashed through his head. Mako green had been looking at him last night and his face flushed he let his grip slip on flask of hot drink and it clattered to the ground.

**All**: Sephizack! Dun dun dun duuuuuun!

Zack heard the clatter of the flask and he saw Reno's face. The goofy expression gone as his eyes narrowed at the man Zack sensed approaching behind them.

"So you finally got here huh? You're late." He turned round fully expecting an older man in his fifties with graying hair and froze at the man standing there instead he looked no older than twenty-eight.

**Zack**: Oh, shit, SquareEnix found a way to combine 'tortured veteran' with 'sexy antihero'!  
**Tifa**: Hooray!

The face though. He couldn't forget that face and he jumped back pointing at him.

"Oh crap… you're that… that… coffin guy!"

**Vincent**: And you're that punk kid who disturbed my ageless slumber, the nightmare unending that was insufficient penance for the decades of-  
**Reno**: Translation- Get off my damn lawn, you hooligan!  
**Vincent**: …..Whippersnapper.

Vincent merely blinked at the man the silver hair slicked back in to spikes. "My name is Vincent…. Vincent Valentine."

"You told Cloud didn't you?" Vincent caught Reno's glare. "Tseng won't like that at all."

**Reno**: He can discipline me later, if Sephizack lets him have a turn.

Vincent looked over at Reno. "And I'm about to tell him the truth that which you've been hiding from him."

"Tell me the truth of what?" Zack looked between the two obviously confused.

"Vincent wait!" Cloud raced up to grabbing the man on the arm spinning him round. "Are you sure he's inside of Zack?"

**Zack**: I think I'd know if a guy was inside me.  
**Cid**: Take a drink, folks, there's gonna be a lot of these jokes tonight.

"I heard from Tseng's mouth he advised me not to come here for that very reason." Vincent replied.

"He…" Zack repeated his eyes flicking to Reno then the Vincent, his fist clenching to the side. "It hasn't been Jenova at all controlling me has it?"

"Apparently not." Vincent replied.

"Yo it was… to start with." Reno cut in. "You were just too strong for her. One mention of Cloud's name and she went dormant." He explained.

Zack looked at Reno then at Cloud. "Who was it? And what did he make me do?"

**Sephiroth**: Something tells me you already know the answer.  
**Tifa: **I think the question is, what hasn't he made you do?  
**Reno**: By "what" you mean "who".

"I'll show you…" Vincent's metal fist clenched and slammed in to Zack's stomach making him double over.

**Vincent**: I'll show you that you involuntarily took advantage of Cloud by punching you in the stomach- that should do it.  
**Zack**: (wheeze) I think I'd have preferred "tell don't show," just this once.

"Zack!" Cloud went to race past and Vincent's right hand shot out stopping Cloud.

**Cloud**: (impaled on gauntlet) ...ow

Zack landed on his knees in front of Vincent looking up at the man decked out in black leather with the red cape.

**Tseng**: Well, that's...suggestive.  
**Sephiroth**: I hope we intend to follow up on that.

"What… By beating it out of me?" Zack croaked.

"You're aware of another entity inside of you now… you will be fully aware of what they're capable of and in future with training you might be able to keep him dormant." Vincent explained.

"Him…" Zack felt his body slip to the ground as the darkness started to sink around him. He became aware of silver hair. Mako green eyes looked directly at him a smirk forming on that ever arrogant face.

"Sephiroth…" Vincent's voice seemed to echo as he closed his eyes for the moment.

**Sephiroth**: ...I have an entrance? An honest-to-god dramatic entrance? In a _fanfiction_?  
**Cid**: This just might be cool after all.  
**Sephiroth**: Excellent...now to whip out my nine-foot sword and signal my all-boys Latin choir to start chanting my name.

Reno pulled at the binds. "Are you absolutely crazy yo? Do you know what's going to happen now?!"

Vincent let Cloud past him as the blonde raced to his fallen friend and he looked up at Vincent. "Are you sure he's inside of Za- him?" Cloud asked.

**Tifa**: Heh, there are going to be too many of these "inside of" lines for us to point out each time, aren't there?

"Positive. Now untie Reno. I'll worry about the former General when he wakes up." Vincent stated.

Cloud slipped from Zack's side reluctantly and walked up behind Reno and began to untie him.

Reno shrugged out of the ropes pulling them off. "You know I'm not going to stick around for this yo."

**Reno**: But I am going to leave this security camera in the corner. For security reasons.

"I'd rather you didn't." Vincent stated. "So take Cloud with you."

Cloud shook his head. "Vincent if you think I'm leaving-" Cloud began.

Reno flicked his EMR on and tapped Cloud on the back of the neck the electrical shock sending the blonde unconscious. Catching Cloud with one arm Reno looked at Vincent.

**Cloud**: Wow, my reflexes suck today.

"You have a death wish you know that?" Reno stated.

"I cannot die." Vincent replied. "To rouse him what do I say?"

**Cid**: Oh, I'm pretty sure he's already "roused."  
**Vincent**: Yes, but I need to know whose name I should shout later...it's just basic courtesy.

"You say his name." Reno motioned at Zack. "No one else's.

**Cloud**: He gets jealous.  
**Tifa**: Wait, why does calling Zack summon Sephiroth?

But to get him to leave though who knows." He slung Cloud over his shoulder and walked past Vincent heading down the isle of the church.

"When he's back to normal… call Tifa… I'll be there with Cloud." Reno stated walking out the door.

**Reno**: I'm taking one of your best fighters home to get wasted, don't expect me to send any reinforcements or anything.

Vincent watched as Zack began to stand up slowly. "That was low."

Pulling out Death Penalty he pointed it at the spiky silver haired man. "It was the only way. You are aware of him now which means to stay in control… you have to get stronger… or die."

Zack shook his head. "I'm not ready to drop dead again so soon… I promised someone I was going to live."

"Then learn to fight him… Zack." With that he fired a round off form Death Penalty.

**Aeris**: Fight scene music!  
**Cid**: Holy shit, this is going to be awesome, isn't it?

Vincent watched as Zack's hand shot up and the bullet his the hand causing a gust of wind to blow and the silver hair shot out flowing to his knees at the same time a black jacket flapped behind with the impact. Yet the body of Zack didn't move.

**Sephiroth**: Good to see you, Cloud- wait, what the hell?

Vincent caught the green eyed mako look cast in his direction.

"Bold move." Sephiroth smirked.

"He can now see your actions. Your thoughts, he will know when you are coming." Vincent stated.

**Sephiroth**: Yes, yes he certainly will. I'm counting on it.

"And he'll see when you are too." Sephiroth drew the Masumune out of thin air before charging at Vincent.

**Zack**: I'll see you when you're sleeping, I'll know when you're awake... I'll know when you're using my body for sex, so use protection for goodness' sake.

Spinning round Vincent dodged the blow, his clawed hand shooting over his right shoulder behind him catching the blade before it hit his back.

**Tifa**: Oooo, cool!

Looking over his shoulder at Sephiroth, he saw the smug smirk crossing the silver haired man's face.

Vincent's right hand crossed his midriff Death Penalty under his left arm before he fired off three shots, causing Sephiroth to jump back and dodge the bullets.

Vincent jumped up landing several feet back facing Sephiroth. Sephiroth smirked at him.

Quickly Vincent fired three more shots before flipping out of the way of the blade as it swished through the air several times deflecting the bullets and chopping the wood of a few of the beams.

**Aeris**: God damn it, take it outside! Why must you always insist on fighting on holy ground?  
**Cid**: Shut up, this is badass!

Landing on a fallen pillar above the former general he flipped Death Penalty open reloading before running along the pillar towards the ceiling he leapt from the wood landing on the edge of a pew and firing off a couple of rounds before quickly flipping out of the way as the blade sliced through the wood.

**Reno**: Wow, a fanfic with a real kickass fight scene! Weapons and everything!

Jumping up in the air he landed behind Sephiroth the barrel touching base with the back of Sephiroth's head.

"You're getting slow Sephiroth."

Sephiroth merely smirked as he heard the gun click over and he dropped his head back to the side, dodging the bullet spinning round bringing the Masumune round and through the floorboards. Vincent held out his hand the claw blocking the full impact of the blow. He was still knocked back a couple of meters, before he jumped up letting the full power shatter a window.

**Cloud**: Wait, how did it...  
**Tseng**: I guess all that kinetic energy has to go somewhere...?  
**Reno**: Damn, that didn't make any sense and I don't even care! This is awesome!  
**Tifa**: Advent Children physics at its finest. Take a drink.

Sephiroth smirked, his eyes looking behind him at Vincent back in the rafters of the church.

**Vincent**: Still here.

Three more bullets came his way, Sephiroth spun the Masumune round behind him knocking them off target and in to the wall he was facing.

Listening to the whistle of the cape as Vincent was on the move again, the ex-Turk was still as fast as he was three years ago. The sound of Vincent reloading caught his attention as he spun round, his hair swished behind him.

**Sephiroth**: Damn it! My hair keeps failing its stealth check!  
**Zack**: You shouldn't have put all your points in Charisma.

The Masumune striking directly up above him to the broken rafters above and the flash of red moved from the rafter to another pew. The cape drifting to the ground as gravity caught up with the former Turk's movement.

**All**: _Ooooh_...

He turned round taking Vincent's stand still motion Death Penalty pointed at him before three more shots were fired. Spinning the Masumune round he deflected the bullets on the blade back in the direction of the ex-Turk.

**All**: _Ahhhh_...

Vincent jumped up startled if only for a moment...

**Vincent**: Damn... he has anime fighting abilities.

...as Sephiroth followed the movement leaping after him Vincent dodged the slash of the sword spinning round and flipping to the other side of the church landing on the wall reloading before propelling himself at Sephiroth firing three more shots.

**Sephiroth**: And _you_ have American guns. How many rounds does one of your chambers hold, seventy?  
**Aeris**: Landing on the wall- okay, are the walls of my church really that sticky?  
**Cloud**: (humming) Spider-man, Spider-man, does whatever a spider can...

Sephiroth jumped up the Masumune striking through Vincent's cape. Red curled round the blade Vincent moved upwards pulling the sword with him as shredded book pages flittered to the ground.

**Vincent**: ….That was a library book. You bastard.

Glancing quickly at the pages Vincent moved again to the roof as he realized Sephiroth didn't release his hold on the Masumune and was making the move to strike up.

Sephiroth followed catching a page of the book on the way on the tip of the blade. The two stood on the roof top staring each other down. Green eyes catching red with a smirk crossing his face as Vincent reloaded.

**Sephiroth**: About time.  
**Tseng**: Hush, this is suspenseful.

Sephiroth charged at Vincent ready to end it Masumune met the metal of Death Penalty as the two shared a glance over metal. Death Penalty went off. A loud reverberating bang echoed the air around them. Sephiroth jumped back at the same time Vincent vanished through the hole in the roof of the church. Sephiroth sliced the Masumune down causing the hole to grow in size. He jumped down landing with the grace of a trained 1st Class. He looked at Vincent perched in the rafters.

**Aeris**: Perfecting his Phantom of the Opera pose.

Realizing this battle was going nowhere and fast Vincent reached in to his cape throwing the book at Sephiroth who sliced through it with out a blink of an eye.

**Cloud**: Yeah, um...what did you think was going to happen?

Several pages flittered about. Vincent had picked the book that Lucrecia featured most in image wise, where Jenova was showed an image of Lucrecia followed. He hoped at least one image would catch the former general's eye.

**Vincent**: I would hope so, Lucretia is going to be upset if I ruined one of her scrapbooks for nothing.

Sephiroth's eyes indeed caught the image of Jenova on a page and he grinned. "You've been researching mother I see…" His hand shot out and grabbed the page. Looking at the image of mother he saw a photo on the page of a woman.

"Yes, both of them." Vincent stated.

**Zack**: Sephiroth has two mommies.  
**Tseng**: That might be the most terrifying children's book ever written.

Sephiroth grinned. "Trying to bargain me with images of the woman who bore me? I thought you were above such low tactics."

"You deserve to know the truth." Vincent stated.

"The truth…" Sephiroth scoffed before his eyes narrowed. "The truth is the humans harvested this planet before mother could. They destroyed this world."

"Lucrecia would disagree." Vincent shot him a look.

**Sephiroth**: Well, she's sort of biased.

Sephiroth scoffed. "I never knew the human woman who bore me. She never spoke to me like mother does. I am merely finishing their work before my true mother and I continue her proper goal."

**Cloud**: Which is what exactly? She seems to keep changing her mind on that, Seph?  
**Sephiroth**: _To sail the darkness of the cosmos with this planet as my vessel...  
_**Cid**: Yeah, but what the fuck does that actually mean? You're gonna break the planet out of orbit and go cruising across the void, trillions of miles away from any sun? Have fun piloting your ball of black ice into eternity.

Sephiroth tossed the page to the side charging at Vincent again striking forward causing the ex-Turk to slam in to a wall. In a flash of red the Turk shot upwards again to the height of the rafters, two more shots whirling out. Sephiroth jumped up avoiding the bullets bringing the sword down knocking Vincent back to the ground.

**Tifa**: Whee, fighting in a bouncy castle is fun!

Sephiroth landed down hard on the ground causing the wood to creak under him. His legs on either side of Vincent's waist pinning the former Turk down, his sword by the side of Vincent's head.

**Aeris**: Hello, suggestive foreshadowing.

"Using the body of Zack as a host?" Vincent glared.

"Why not?" Sephiroth smirked, the blade touching skin lightly.

**Sephiroth**: So what now, Valentine? Are we to be two immortals, locked in an epic battle until Judgement Day and trumpets sound?  
**Vincent**: Or you could surrender.

Vincent grabbed the blade with his claw before spinning round on the ground and flipping upwards landing on the rafter just below the roof Death Penalty pointed at Sephiroth.

**Cid**: ...Did he just breakdance his way out of that hold?

"This could have been over with quickly…" Sephiroth grinned. "But this proves it. You have the energy mother needs."

**Cloud**: Only you have the power to prevent alien rape fiends.

"For Cloud's sake I'm not letting you use the body of his friend for such means." Vincent fired three more shots, before jumping to the pews quick to reload.

Vincent dodged Sephiroth's charge vanishing amongst the rafters and shadows of the remainders of the ceiling that was slowly starting to crumble with the impact of this battle. Cloud or Zack obviously wouldn't be happy. Vincent realized they needed to take this somewhere else before the building that held Aerith's memory was completely destroyed.

**Aeris**: Now that I think about it, it's okay, the church is protected by a magic shield of plot contrivance. Meteor didn't even knock this place down; the two of you aren't going to do anything.

"You're delaying the inevitable…" Sephiroth spoke calmly. "Perhaps I should just go after Cloud and the Turk again… will that draw you out of hiding?" He smirked.

Even in the shadows Vincent could see Sephiroth was goading him. There was no bargaining with him… unless he got close, but to get close meant to admit defeat. Death Penalty and the Masumune were useless in close hand combat, well almost.

**Yuffie**: Quick Vince, pull out your gunblade!  
**Vincent**: Speaking of useless in combat.

Risking it Vincent had no choice racing along the rafters he watched as Sephiroth jumped up and Vincent leaped up firing two more shots and blocking the blow of the Masumune with Death Penalty as it came down from above.

Vincent spun round his foot sweeping out. Sephiroth jumped back to avoided the pointed metal shoe.

**Vincent**: See, I do use them.

Vincent shot across the rafters reloading as he moved before the Masumune struck again, sending Vincent to the ground.

Vincent flashed across the floor, red flicking about him as he moved with speed, before he felt the impact of the Masumune shoot through his left shoulder and pinning him to a wall with a thud, the wood and concrete pillar stabilizing what was left of the church creaked with the impact cracking behind him.

His expression flinched in pain as Sephiroth twisted the blade round standing there smirking at him.

**All**: (applaud enthusiastically for the fight scene)  
**Cloud**: That was cool!  
**Tifa**: And kinda hot.

"Hold still and this won't hurt a bit." Sephiroth taunted the former Turk in red

**Sephiroth**: That is...unless you want it to.

Grinning Sephiroth saw Death Penalty pointed at his head. A new round in the gun, even at that close a normal person couldn't miss unless they were going up against Sephiroth. But this person wasn't normal either… it was Vincent Valentine.

**Cid**: Damn straight!

Reminding him of the fact of why he was after this man in the first place. Now he had him it was only a matter of time before he could awaken from within Zack any time he wished…

Staring each other down Vincent looked at Sephiroth, the sound of the occasional creak of wood ready to give thanks to their earlier battle. Neither one moved for a long moment. Vincent had no choice the Masumune pinning his left side to the pillar. Sephiroth just stood there as if to torment him, before he shed his jacket slowly.

**Tseng**: From somewhere offscreen, strip music started to play.

It was then Vincent saw the clothes under the jacket Zack's shirt and pants he looked at Sephiroth. If the silver haired man succeeded then those clothes would be his own not Zack and he cocked Death Penalty shooting the former general a glare.

**Cid: **You mean he ran through that whole goddamn fight with a uniform _over _all that leather shit?

"Playing hard to get?" Sephiroth smirked.

Vincent didn't even grace Sephiroth with a reply. The man hadn't won yet and Zack was still in there somewhere probably confused as hell as to what was going on but he was in there…

**Zack**: I think anyone who found themselves inside Sephiroth would be confused. I thought he never bottomed.  
**Tifa**: Turns out we can get a little more mileage out of this joke.

"I don't play." Vincent stated calmly.

"Are you really going to try to shoot me when you see the clothes I'm wearing?" Sephiroth taunted. "Would Cloud ever forgive you?"

**Sephiroth**: Look inside your heart...could you ever bear to damage custom-made leather?

"The question is… is he willing to forgive himself for what you did to him using Zack's body?" Vincent glared.

**Cloud**: Are you saying I asked for it?  
**Sephiroth**: ...yes.

"I was merely playing on emotions that Zack felt in the past with people he's dealt with." Sephiroth placed his hand over the barrel of Death Penalty leaning in close he pulled the weapon from Vincent's hand with ease.

Vincent rarely relinquished Death Penalty to anyone...

**Reno**: He hardly ever let another man handle his rifle.

...let alone the enemy, the truth was this was Cloud's friend the man who helped mold him in to the fighter he was today. He hadn't wanted to shoot at Zack but to draw Sephiroth in to the open he had no choice in the matter.

**Tseng**: Keep telling yourself that.

Sephiroth let Death Penalty drop to the ground and he kicked it across the floor where it skidded to a halt at the water's edge. Placing his hand on the hilt of the Masumune he pushed it in deeper pinning the former Turk tightly in to the wall.

**Aerith**: He pushed it deeper and deeper inside until he...wait, are we talking about weapons or sex?  
**Cloud**: Yes.

The immortal merely looked away, black hair falling over one of his eyes the other red avoiding his face.

"Can't you look me in the face Vincent…?" Sephiroth asked.

**Sephiroth**: Why? Why do you close your eyes when we make love?

"I am not part of Zack's past." Vincent stated.

Sephiroth smirked. "He crossed your path."

**Tseng**: By this logic, Sephiroth should be vampfucking every shopkeeper and background villager Zack ever made eye contact with.

"I'm hardly part of his past… why me?" Vincent challenged.

"The power of an immortal is too great to pass up."

**Tifa**: Oh, shit! Sephiroth's gonna cut off Vincent's head!

Sephiroth pushed the blade in deeper feeling the friction of the blade cutting through bone making him grin.

The moonlight seemed to drift through the hole in the ceiling from above and Vincent glanced up at it as he tried to hold back any emotion of pain from crossing his features at the pressure

of the sword piercing his left shoulder the blade grinding up against bone.

What he didn't expect so soon was to have the other man's mouth on his, his human hand grabbed and pinned to the wall by one of Sephiroth's as the younger man claimed his mouth.

**Sephiroth**: I claim this mouth in the name of Jenova!  
**Reeve**: You're already about to plant your flag, that's kind of superfluous.

Pulling back he pulled at his wrist yanking it free shooting Sephiroth a glare. "Don't test me Sephiroth."

"Who said anything about testing? I'm taking." Sephiroth smirked, his hand snaking to the duel belts wrapped round Vincent's waist.

**Cid**: But he was defeated by the 17 buckles on Vincent's body armour. It's like a goddamn chastity belt.

Vincent suppressed a growl as both his belts were pulled off. The former General's left hand snaking in to the leather clad man's pants. His free hand shot out ready to strike Sephiroth in the face but was caught with a right hand and twisted to pin back against the wall.

"Now now… any pain you inflict on me Zack will feel. You helped us connect after all." Sephiroth taunted, his hand finding what he was searching for. The left hand slipped round Vincent's length this time making the former Turk hiss with the contact.

"Stop." It was a definite snarl from the vampire.

**Vincent**: May I point out here that I'm not a -  
**Yuffie**: No. Ssh.

Lips brushed across smooth skin of Vincent's jaw, as Sephiroth's hand began to move along the hidden length.

Each moment seemed to pass slower. Eyes closing Vincent didn't want to see the face that was little by little tempting him.

The son of the woman he loved was causing a long denied emotional reaction from within and that wasn't a good thing. Not for himself and defiantly not for Zack.

**Zack**: (shrugs) I've had worse.

Sephiroth grinned his hand quickening the pace causing the former Turk to jerk suddenly and gasp at the forming arousal.

"Stop that!"

**Vincent**: I need an adult!  
**Sephiroth**: I _am _an adult.

"Your mouth says stop but your body is betraying you." Sephiroth's voice was smooth as his mouth moved over Vincent's lips. The older man seemed to sway almost getting lost in the haze of the moment.

**Tifa**: I wouldn't call it rape, exactly, more of a...  
**Tseng**: Tenacious seduction?  
**Tifa**: Yeah.

Slipping back from the former Turk he pulled Zack's shirt off tossing the offending cloth to the side. He could hear Zack's voice in the back of his head shouting at him to stop.

**Zack**: Not my Captain America shirt! That was vintage!

Eventually he would deal to the former 1st Class, but right not right now, there was something better trapped before him ready for him to drain the power from.

Crouching low he pulled leather clad pants down freeing the arousal he had caused in the immortal former Turk.

"Don't-!" The former Turk began. He was cut off as Sephiroth's mouth wrapped round the length slowly beginning to suck.

**Cloud**: Vincent, do you mind that we're enjoying your defeat and plundering at the hands of my resurrected nemesis?  
**Vincent**: Well, he's gotten to most of the rest of you, I suppose it was my turn.  
**Reeve**: Sephiroth is like a doorknob, everyone gets a turn.

Vincent's body jerked as he tried to pull away from the wall, the cape flittered behind him as if trying to decipher the real wish of its master.

**Aerith**: So it _is _sentient! I win the bet!  
**Tifa**: Damn it!  
**Cloud**: Ah, if cloaks could talk...does it have any embarrassing stories about you?  
**Vincent**: No, but I have some blackmail material on it. No pun intended.  
**Cid**: Seems like something cooked up by Hojo. Shit, never imagined the guy as a seamstress.  
**Sephiroth**: Shh! I'm trying to enjoy my conquest.

Sephiroth knew he was confused and conflicted as he sucked on the length and neither seemed to fight back. Linking his mind with the former SOLDIER he let the younger fighter sense and feel everything.

'Damn you Sephiroth! Stop it! Not Vincent! Not like that!'

**Zack**: Use your tongue a little more...no no, not your teeth!

The voice was drowned out as he heard the former Turk's voice hitch in his throat.

**Vincent**: Still, I appreciate the thought.

Pulling back from the arousal he stood up his hand moving under the leather clad shirt...

**Reno**: Even his shirt was wearing leather. That's how badass he was.

...letting his hands move across the scarred and experimented on flesh.

Lifting the leather up to gaze upon pale skin his mouth moved along the contours of Vincent's abdomen. The older man shivered, his right hand clenching in to a fist his hand staying perfectly still as if thoughts of fighting back were in the back of his head. Zack's well being was obviously in the former Turk's mind.

**Sephiroth**: Thinking of other men while we're in this position? What do I have to do to keep your attention?

Sephiroth's hand moved to cup the coated arousal...

**Cid**: ...coated in _what?_

...slipping under to stoke at the immortal's entrance. The action caused a startled gasp from the raven haired man's mouth.

"Zack… fight him…" Vincent breathed.

**Zack**: Yeah, like you're putting _so_ much effort into fighting him now.  
**Cloud**: Well, one of you should be.  
**Vincent**: Says the man with the least room to talk.

'I'm trying! I'm trying!'

Sephiroth smirked. Cissnei was hardly one to give Zack strength to fight him to gain control and after tonight Zack would need more than the occasional one night thing to give him enough energy to fight for his body back.

**Zack**: The fate of the world depends on getting me laid!

"It will take more than your words to help him…" A finger nimbly pushed past Vincent's entrance causing the former Turks body to jerk in reaction.

"Sephiroth…" The voice hissed out in a mixture of a tone of warning and voice confused by sudden forgotten emotions surfacing.

Slipping a second digit in to the older man's heat he was greeted with a twitch of an arousal. Smirking at the former Turk pinned to the wall he took in the pale flesh that was exposed for his devouring lips.

Sephiroth's mouth moved over the pale skin tasting the older man's body as the third digit slipped in stretching past the tight ring of muscle making the ex-Turk hiss a breath outward. His free hand moving to the Masumune he twisted the blade round pulling it out swiftly letting Vincent fall to the ground his right hand moving to his shoulder.

Blood dripping to the ground Sephiroth flicked letting the blood fly off the pristine blade before he let the summoned weapon vanish. He had no need of it anymore.

**Tseng**: ...Weren't we supposed to be making jokes about this?  
**Aerith**: Hush. Don't interrupt.

Vincent's eyes squeezed shut as he felt the body move over his. He had admitted he had lost his pride long ago when Hojo had taken Lucrecia from him. This was only a justification of his conflicted emotions when dealing with the son he could have possibly fathered.

**All**: …...  
**Cid**: Well, this just got a hell of a lot kinkier.  
**Sephiroth**: ….Vincent-is, is it even possible that you...  
**Vincent**: ...Lucretia...  
**Reno**: Yes, Valentine. Did you ever actually hit that?

He was torn and tormented but for Cloud's sake for the life of his friend he couldn't fight without doing damage to the man who had cheated death. The man, whom like himself and Sephiroth had to endure test after test from Hojo.

**Zack**: The man, who has a name by the way.

Rolling over on to his stomach Vincent's hand held on to his shoulder, letting the cape fall over his exposed body. Part of him wished at that moment Cloud had never raised him, the other part of him was embarrassed that he was being so compliant with the mass murderer.

"Remember to breath." Sephiroth whispered from behind.

**Vincent**: Thank you so much for reminding me.

Vincent gasped feeling the arousal of the younger man and his eyes flew open and he tried to move a hand hooked round his waist the cape lifted up. The pressure came and his body jerked at the intrusion of the other man's arousal as it entered his body.

**Sephiroth**: I'm suddenly very uncomfortable with this.

His own emotions were getting harder and harder to not listen to. Cloud had awoken a curiosity at what it was like to live amongst people again. Reeve had talked him in to helping out with the WRO cause and Lucrecia had shown him what it was like to loose the one love that people spent their lives looking for.

**Vincent**: Yes, I blame my being raped by my son entirely on Cloud, Reeve, and Lucretia. Thanks a lot, guys.  
**Tseng**: I know you're trying to reconnect with people, but...this isn't the right way.

Eyes shutting he felt Sephiroth's chin rest on his shoulder the mouth so close to his ear. His clawed hand scratching along the wooden floor of the church as the older man pushed in to his body deeper.

Vincent felt his chest shoved to the ground hard. His right hand moved to his face. He had dealt with several moments in his extended life that were not to glorious. But this moment the moment of his body's betrayal to the man Cloud considered his enemy, had to be the most humiliating feeling he had ever endured.

**Cid**: Really? Even when you-  
**Vincent**: Not helping, Chief.

Trying to move he felt his body flanked as a strong chest pressed to his back, a hand slipped round his waist stroking his arousal.

"Shhhh don't fight this." Vincent felt the cool hand move over his shoulder turning his face to the side and his mouth was captured hungrily by the former General.

Hips bucked in to his while a tongues danced a lavish performance inside his mouth, while his hand toyed with bringing his arousal round to the point of no return.

**Tseng**: It's like the _Swan Lake_ of make-out sessions.  
**Reno**: (snicker) Or maybe the _Nutcracker_.

Each sensation made him feel more than he wanted to. Each stroke made him swell to where he thought he would burst. Each play of a tongue over his made him feel like he was betraying Lucrecia's memory. Each thrust inside his body made his body jerk unwillingly in an unknown reaction that he had yet to face.

"Sephiroth… stop… this…" Vincent breathed as the younger man finally freed his mouth.

**Cloud**: Stop humping your possible father!  
**Sephiroth**: (covers his eyes) No...

"Would you rather Zack?" Sephiroth taunted.

**Vincent**: Would you be offended if I said yes?

Vincent tried to pull away. "NO! Don't you-!"

**Reno**: Don't you pull a bait-and-switch now!

He was slammed unceremoniously on to the ground as hips pushed the younger man deeper in to his body, his claw scratched at the ground in betrayal of the sensations that his body was tortured to.

He heard the dark chuckle as he felt the younger man pull from him. Vincent gasped trying to move but his body felt strangely weaker as he tried to stand to move towards Death Penalty, it was calling to him in a manor he wasn't sure of. Chaos had chosen to stay dormant for this embarrassment. Vincent was glad for if the beast inside him rose to the surface. The power Sephiroth would gain from such a thing Zack would probably never gain the use of his body ever again.

_**Chaos/Vincent**: Hey, what's going - Oh. Well. I'll just leave you to get on with it, then._  
_**Galian/Vincent**: Jeez, hang a sock on the mental doorknob or something, Valentine._

He felt his body fail him as he hit the ground landing flat on his back. Sephiroth stood over him naked in his glory Vincent could see the dark energy just literary floating around Sephiroth like it was nothing more than steam.

**Aerith**: He _literally_ saw the dark energy floating around Sephiroth?  
**Vincent**: Nero the Sable called, he wants his aura back.  
**Tifa**: (checking a picture) Wow. That's really who you fought in your solo game? A goth with Edward Scissorhand wings and his jockstrap on his head?

Kneeling Sephiroth moved over him like an animal over a prey, his mouth stopping dangerously close to Vincent's. Vincent's right hand shot up hitting Sephiroth in the chest. Sephiroth's hand caught his other hand grabbing the claw pulling the injured shoulder up making Vincent flinch in pain, give by lunchtime in the morning his wounds would have been healed.

**Cid**: Yeah Vince, keep an eye on those morning wounds.

But that didn't stop the pain he felt shoot through his arm at the moment and he gasped.

"Get off me…" He growled finding his voice.

**Reno**: Are you sure that's not "Get me off"?

He could handle not seeing Sephiroth's face as the man took him from behind but this was just low. The son of the woman he loved taking him. It was uncalled for. Trying to find a new strength to fight he was cut off as a mouth covered his again hungrily tongue diving in to his lips.

**Tseng**: Tongue diving - the new extreme sport for the whole family.  
**Vincent: **Do I need to spank you, possible-son?  
**Sephiroth**: Why aren't you as disturbed as I am by this revelation?  
**Vincent**: (shrugs) I've just stopped caring at this point.  
**Sephiroth**: First my mother, the deceptions, the madness, and now...what else was a lie? What else have they made me?!

The pressure built up and he felt the sudden intrusion in to his entrance the heat slipping in to walls and he pulled back gasping as the silver haired man held him down hips thrusting against his urgently. He could feel his very strength being sucked from his body through the intrusion.

**Aeris**: I bet more people would watch vampire movies if they looked like this.

His right hand was let go but all he could do was leave it on the former General's shoulder. The younger man continued to ravish his body like a starved man given a last meal.

**Tifa**: For soon, he would be sent to the chair.  
**Reeve**: (humming) Oh, mama I'm in fear for my life from the long arm of the law...Hangman is coming down from the gallows and I don't have very long...

Pulling back Sephiroth looked in to crimson eyes dazed and confused as his hips moved rocking in to Vincent's heat, he felt the pressure of that sweet spot that he had become so familiar with in his previous conquests. This one though this was the one that fought back against him the best. This was the challenge of the man who loved the woman who gave him his very life.

**Tseng**: So you acknowledge he could be your father...yet you're still fucking him.  
**Sephiroth**: Just, _shut up_, okay?

Raven hair pooled on the ground under the former Turk, Vincent's back arched up betraying his earlier verbal protests. Sephiroth left his free hand move to the neglected arousal and he began to stroke the man's length up and down the shaft making the vampire twitch his body shiver and jerk uncontrollably under him.

**Cid**: Well, at least he has the courtesy to give the guy a reach-around.

'Sephiroth please no more.' The voice of Zack seemed to beg him to stop.

Sephiroth felt the younger man inside his head almost crumbled in a sort of defeat. Tseng and Reno were good to keep this from his former raven haired colleague. But now that he knew the truth the man would forever lay witness to the numerous people he would claim along the way to mother's true goal.

Vincent gasped his hips bucked up in to Sephiroth's hand as he felt the swelling. Vincent was barely verbal in intimacy.

**Cloud**: Or ever, really.

But Vincent's body betrayed him, telling Sephiroth that the vampire was so close to his climax. That it was nearly time to stop playing round and just take the strength mother required.

Stoking the vampire's arousal till he felt hips shudder and the release was spilled over the man's abdomen and Sephiroth's hand. He smirked continuing his urgent thrusts in to Vincent's body. It was a new kind of tight warmth that drew him in deeper and deeper with each thrust. The pressure was so great that the harder he thrust the older man's friction snapped round his quelling need for release.

"You are just to perfect for a dead man." Sephiroth chuckled as he felt his climax explode in to the older man.

**Tseng**: Necrophilia _and_ incest, this just keeps getting more and more interesting.  
**Sephiroth**: (grabs Tseng by the throat) Enough!

Vincent's hand moved to cover his face he couldn't look in to mako green anymore he just couldn't not when the eyes looked so much like Lucrecia's. It was bad enough his body started to enjoy the several old emotions he had long since forgotten. But it was his old love's son and that was the part that would haunt him for a long time.

**Cloud**: How about the part where he's potentially _your_ son?  
**Sephiroth**: Oh for god's sake...Does anyone else want to reveal their relation to me? Barret is my brother? RedXIII is my uncle? The Chocobo Sage is my cousin?  
**Tifa**: So our planet is basically West Virginia.  
**Tseng**: (strangled)

He heard the deep breath's slow down and the body slumped against his. Vincent blinked and looked down and his eyes widened the short spiky silver hair the slightly tanned body of the former SOLDIER lay over him. He wanted to move but he froze. For some reason Sephiroth had released his hold on the man, letting the former 1st Class gain control back.

"Zack…" He touched the younger man's shoulder lightly.

Zack was shivering everything he saw and felt was killing him inside and his arms felt like jelly as he pushed himself up and he blinked seeing crimson eyes look at him with concern. Zack froze when he felt a certain part of his anatomy inside the older man.

**Zack**: Um...hi?

"Oh shit!" He jumped back so fast causing Vincent to flinch in pain at the fast removal. The ex-SOLDIER stumbled for a bit before he landed on the ground staring at Vincent.

The ex-Turk moved slow his left arm hung by his side like dead weight as he began to readjust his clothes.

**Tifa**: Well, this is going to be the most awkward pillow talk ever...

Zack turned away and grabbed the closet item of clothing and pulled it to cover himself. He looked down at Sephiroth's jacket over his lap his finger clawed at the fabric and he shuddered.

"I thought… once upon a time he was my friend…" Zack spoke softly. "I'm sorry Vincent… I tried… but he's just…" Zack trailed off looking at the jacket.

"You are not to blame." Vincent stated. "You merely need to get stronger."

**Vincent**: It's not your fault that you raped me...I am to blame.  
**Cid**: You're such a classic case.

"But how! How can I fight Sephiroth? It would have to be inside my own head!" Zack stopped and blinked he reached over pulling his trousers over and grabbing the cellphone from his pocket.

**Zack**: Oh well, I'm gonna call for pizza, you want some?

"Zack…" Vincent looked at him.

"Tseng… Reno… Cloud I hurt them all. I shouldn't have even been let out of that stupid tank." Zack began flipping through the directory.

**Zack**: Let's see...'gardening'...'gas stations'...'generators'...  
**Reno**: Who are you going to call?  
**Zack**: Ghostbusters.

"But you were. Like Cloud released me from my coffin, he freed you." Vincent stated.

Zack shook his head. "I'm not blaming Cloud… I could never…"

**Zack**: I mean, he _is_ a complete tease, but I...er Sephizack, were...was? ...the aggressor the last time.  
**Tifa**: Ugh, it's worse than trying to figure out time-travel grammar.

"Then what do you plan to do?" Vincent asked.

"I'm calling Tseng I knew he was hiding something from me now I know… but… I just want…" Zack sighed.

"The truth." Vincent finished.

"… yeah." Zack sighed.

Vincent looked at the ex-SOLDIER, the younger man looked lost confused and probably 'mtormented. "You're the reason Cloud is still with us today. Don't give up just yet."

**Cid**: Don't stop believing.  
**Aeris**: Hold on to that feeling.

Zack looked up at him his hand moving over Sephiroth's jacket.

**Zack**: You know, if I keep spawning Sephiroth's clothing like this, I could make thousands selling cosplay costumes and accessories.

"I won't… I promised Cissnei I'd live."

END

**Aerith**: (cheerfully) Well, aside from the disturbing necro-incest revelations, that was a good one!  
**Sephiroth**: …...  
**Vincent**: …...  
**Cid**: ...Oh, shit. I'm just gonna go...refill my lighter...yeah.  
**Reno**: Better go resuscitate the boss.  
**Reeve**: And I'm going to...go. Away.  
**Yuffie**: I think I left my cat on the ironing board, bye!  
**Sephiroth**: Gast...Hojo...How hard would it have been to tell me? What else was a lie? What other genetic time-bombs am I carrying - vampire, demon - (glances at Vincent) What exactly are you, anyway?  
**Vincent**: (shrugs helplessly) If I ever find out...  
**Cloud**: Technically he got the demons after you were born, but given how genetics works on our world, they might still be hereditary.  
**Zack**: I don't think you're helping, Cloud.  
**Sephiroth**: (materia in hand, crackling with power) Ha ha ha...fine. I learned long ago...I can only be the monster that they made me.  
**Sephiroth**: (casts a Flame spell to blow the sealed doors off the theater and stride out through the wreckage of sizzling molten metal)  
**Barret**: ….Well, fuck.

* * *

_MSTers' note: Seriously, this fanfic deserves your readership. It's awesome and gay - just like the original game! Look it up and tell Jdee how cool she is for letting us affectionately roast her story_


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